Sunday, June 20, 2004

All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain't gonna get.

Ok I've been debating on whether or not to even tell you bout the first movie I watched last night, but I feel it to be my civic duty to relay to you what a depraved piece of shit the movie was...and so now, for your reading pleasure, I bring you Tart.
I originally got this movie, cuz I have yet to see a Dominique Swain flick and everybody I know just ravesgushblahlurrrrves I got it to test the waters so to speak. WHY!!!! WHY people of mine, would you choose to like such a braindead scamp?? I realize what she is playing is a character, but yeesh, the girl oozes when she would talk it would sound like this....blahblahsnoreblahgabsnoregabSNORE...I had to force my eyes open, Clockwork Orange style, to stay alive for this movie. Seriously.
So the general plot is this...This dorky looser chick, Kat, played by Swain gets a chance at acceptance when her trouble-maker friend, played by Bijou Phillips, is suspended from their uppity NY high-school and she gets the opportunity to hang with the cool kids and to bust a move on William, played by Brad Renfro. Sounds intriguing, no? No is right.
This whole fancy high school, woe is me I'm rich, gimme some nose juice bit...yeah that was done already with Cruel Intentions...and much better too, I might add. The flick did have promise, but cuz the script was sooo damn bad, they lost me at hello. It has alllll the teen flick cliche's...the single mother, annoying little brother, snooty Brits and some of the worst caricatures of high school kids you'll find in the two for a dolla bin at the local Blockbuster. Really. My teddy bear can act better than these people...and if you don't believe me, try this one on for girth...Melanie Griffith is in it....Yes the formerly attractive, Mrs. Antonio is in this flick for all of five minutes...and her grandiose line??? "Oh look you have boobies!" I shit you not.
So anyway, Ms. Swain plays Kat Storm, the nerdy, I can't fit in and I'm pretty girl...even Jodie Foster couldn't have delivered these lines effectively. That's how bad the writing was. It sucked donkey dick raw!!! GAH! Crap, getting off topic anyway, the rest of the cast isn't much better with two exceptions. The role of Delilah played by Bijou Phillips...and the goody goody girl played by Lacy Chabert...who normally gives me dry heaves. I was surprised I liked Ms. Chabert in this one....I did though. But by far the highlight was Bijou's performance...she was cute as ever, for you fans, like myself, she did play her normal poor little rich girl role, but in a movie as putrid as this, she did shine.
The other thing that pissed me off is that it totally neglected the T&A potential....the way I look at it is if your gonna make me watch a movie as bad as this with a bunch of good looking chica's (excluding Leather Face Melanie) you should at least show me the goods, damnit! Even megawatt hobag, Lacy Chabert didn't get a two second cleavage shot...and what else is she known for?!?!?!?

In short...The movie sucks...Two Lines of Coke down...

Note to Mrs. Antonio: Please do not accept any more scripts in which you are required to keep your top on....thank you, the Management.

Listening To: Positive K - I Got A Man

28 | Mom of two girls (12 & 9) |
Wife | Sting Devotee | Neurotic |
Sarcastic | Pissed Off | Native Oregonian |
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