I have an overwhelming feeling of blah today. I woke up in this mood. For no reason, really...but not an hour after I pulled my groggy ass outta bed, I was crying. Normally, I would think it was that time of the month, but I just had the Aunt Flo visit, and she's not due for another two weeks. I've always had to battle with depression....the worst part about it seems to be the sudden randomness of it all. For no reason sometimes, I will feel like crying or ripping my hair out. I can usually feel it coming on, and can sequester myself and ride it out...not on mornings or days like today. It runs in my family, and I realize it is a disease that is treatable with medication. I've tried the medications....but I end up stopping them after a couple of months, mainly because the effects begin to wain, and I feel myself reverting back to gloomy states, and with the naseaua that comes with the meds...it's just not worth it at that point.
This morning I took my medicine. Slipping back into my depression scares the hell out of me. I don't EVER want to live like that again, and I don't ever want the people around me to see me in that frame of mind, again. It was unhealthy for me and for my loved ones. It made my home just a shelter. I turned my life upside down because of self-loathing and hatred. Hatred of everybody and every situation in my life...but mostly hatred of myself. I hated the way I looked, I hated my attitude, I hated my general lifeskills...a year ago, if you had asked me to name one thing about myself that I liked, I don't think I could have looked you in the eye and given you an honest answer.
Today I see a different person when I look in the mirror...both physically and mentally. I am LIKING who I see...and yes I do still have times when I want to scream out in anger or frustration...or just lock myself in the bathroom and have a hard cry...but I've found other ways to let out negative emotions. Blogging for one, or opening up and talking to people who love me, instead of bottling it all up and drowning my problems in a Keg-O-Wine from the local ghetto liquor store. It's not easy for me...opening myself up to people makes me feel vulnerable. That too, runs in my family. We weren't the lovey-huggy type of family that you see on TV. My family had plenty of love floating around it was just mostly shown in monetary ways. And we NEVER EVER talked about our FEELINGS...good god no. That was unheard of in my family. So, when I am confronted with someone who genuinely cares about my feelings, and my general well-being, it does throw me off a little bit. Even now after almost 10 years, I'm still adjusting to the fact that what exsists here, in my home, is love.
Pure and Simple.
Listening To: The Bee Gee's - Stayin Alive