Sunday, September 05, 2004

The 100 Things Thing

1. I was born in a tiny town in Eastern Oregon called Hermiston.
2. This was in August of 1978. It was a very good year.
3. I had a sister who died at birth two years before I came along. She was named after the song Carrie Ann by The Hollies.
4. I also have one other sister who lives in San Diego. She was named after the song Dinese by Randy and the Rainbows.
5. I wasn't named after a famous song.
6. But when I got married...I got (now have) a famous person's name.
7. No, Mia isn't my 'real' name. Just the one I use online.
8. I have two daughters. Elizabeth is 12...Kennedy is 9.
9. I was a teen mother.
10. I also graduated from highschool a year early with honors and a 14 month old baby girl.
11. I hate her sperm donor with the fire of a thousand suns.
12. Make that two thousand.
13. I talk about my kids alot.
14. I also talk about my cats and dog alot.
15. I collect celebrity autographs. I have over 1000.
16. This one time at bandcamp...when I was nine, my friend David and I were playing lawndarts out in my front yard, and I threw one into his head.
17. He lived through it.
18. I got grounded.
19. My parents never spanked me. But I like to get spanked now. Heh.
20. My hair is redish and down to my butt..
21. This means I go through ALOT of shampoo.
22. I'm terrified to cut it.
23. Cuz I'll look like a Cupie Doll.
24. The hub likes women with short hair. He's a nazi republican, though.
25. I love really cheesy music. Like, Ambrosia cheesy.
26. I also love Pina Colada's and getting caught in the rain.
27. And Sting. Not the wrestler, but the singer.
28. I'm addicted to Court TV.
29. Forensic Files is my favorite show.
30. I also read a ton of True Crime novels.
31. Ann Rule is my favorite author.
32. I'm agnostic.
33. I think organized religion is a big piece of flaming crap.
34. I'm also opinionated.
35. I'm listening to Toni Braxton right now.
34. I live smack in the middle, between the sherrifs office, two police precincts, a fire station and an ambulance company.
35. This means I'm in a VERY safe neighborhood.
36. This also means I hear sirens every minute of the day. Every. Effing. Minute.
37. The leasing office neglected to mention that.
38. I take Robitussin for EVERYTHING.
39. No really. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
40. I'm a recovering alcoholic.
41. I'm a freelance web designer.
42. I LOVE my job.
43. I'm horrible about answering or writing personal email.
44. I also never check my phone messages.
45. And rarely answer the phone.
46. Most people annoy me.
47. I was in the marching band in high school.
48. I played Saxaphone, flute, and clarinet.
49. Clarinet for 10 years prior to high school.
50. My dad made me take golf lessons in junior high.
51. My golf instructor once drove off too fast, and I fell off the golf cart.
52. I'm still holding a grudge.
53. I'm really hungry right now.
54. I'm also too lazy to make food.
55. I do this alot.
56. I HATE tomato anything. Spaghetti sauce, ketchup...all of it.
57. I'm scared shitless of moths, caves and fire but I love candles.
58. I'm running out of things to say.
59. I don't understand football.
60. Baseball is my favorite sport.
61. The San Fran Giants are my favorite team.
62. I was a pitcher in high school.
63. I got pelted with a line drive my sophmore year, and dislocated my knee cap.
64. It makes me sound like an old person when I stand up.
65. I hate Enya. HATE.
66. She makes the sound that Saddam hears in his head.
67. My dad divorced my stepmonster this year.
68. YAY!
69. She was working in a prison as a Corrections Officer...and had an affair with an inmate.
70. She was a very classy lady.
71. And a whore.
72. I hope my dad doesn't find this.
73. Go Blazers!
74. I have an almost two year old hamster. (UPDATE: He's dead now. RIP Gotti.)
75. We named her Gotti.
76. This was when we thought she was a he.
77. I also have two cats, a dog, 19 horny guppies, two kids and a husband.
78. I'm a very tired woman.
80. The hubs is a Trumpet/Cornet player.
81. He has an album out.
82. This means he's almost famous.
83. This means I'm almost famous by association.
84. I just remembered my brother in law has a famous persons name too.
85. Weird.
86. I detest folding socks.
87. So, I don't do it.
88. I don't wear socks anyway.
89. My first car was a Pontiac Sunbird. I hated it.
90. I have one tattoo on my ankle of a sun.
91. My tongue is pierced. (UPDATE: I took it out last December)
92. I can say all the states in alphebetical order.
93. From memory.
94. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkinsas, California...
95. Told you.
96. I can't drink pop from a two liter.
97. It tastes like microwaved assjelly. Can's or nothing.
98. I'm still hungry.
99. I gotta get more interesting.
100. I can count to 100.

Pantera - Planet Caravan

Friday, September 03, 2004

I'm sure we can handle this like mature adults. Isn't that right, Mr. Poopie-Pants?

On Wednesday, Mr. Zed and I took the children to the Zoo. We saw lions and tigers and bears, oh my...ate elephant ears, watched the bird show and had a bald eagle fly like .34 inches over our heads, saw the monkeys pick vermin off one another. We saw the elephants, and the Musk Ox's and the Zebra's take a shit. We also got a collector zoo cup for the low low price of $3.99. We took the zoo train down to the rose gardens, we took tons of pictures of the children sitting on cement slugs, and photo's of fountains with brass salmon jumping over blue marble rocks. Tired and exhausted by the end of a remarkably pleasant this I mean, neither of the children pulled hair, kicked, punched, bit, yelled at, threw the other one in with the poisonous pythons, or caused me to loose my patience and scream things like "BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP OR I SWEAR TO THE ALMIGHTY WHATEVER I WILL SELL YOU AND SPEND THE MONEY ON WHORES AND CRACK." Ok, I wouldn't really yell that at my children. I'd spend the money on shoes. But I digress...

We are at the zoo from opening to closing...almost eight hours of zooness. And Mr. Zed and myself are pooped out, to say the very least...when I look over to where the chitlens are standing...just beyond them, I see it. Well, I see THEM. THEM, being the gaggle of gangbangers and their ho posse. These girls were not dressed. No really. Like Not. Dressed. They seriously made Britney Skankyho look like Mother Theresa. They couldn't have been more than, oh, I'd say 16. Really. I, of course, busted out in laughter, and pointed them out to Mr. Zed, who just rolled his eyes. I also stated in my outside voice that I hoped she didn't have to bend over and tie her shoes, because then we wouldn't be able to enjoy the animal sounds over the wind whistling and echo sounds her cooch would inevitably make. Yanno, being all cavernous and all.

My oldest daughter asked me what I was laughing at, and I proceeded to point them out to her, and tell her in my most mothering voice that if she EVER...EVER even looked at clothes like that in a store, I would buy her a chastity belt and bolt that sucker on so tight, she'd squeek when she walked. Then she asked me what a chastity belt was, and I quickly changed the topic. Because although I'm open to being a smartass with my daughter...I'm not open to having the sex talk at the zoo, in front of the Hoochie Posse.

So yeah, that's the story of how my daughter learned the word chastity belt, and how her mother can make a complete spectacle of herself, and the hoochie possie at the zoo.

The End.

Listening To: Garbage - Paranoid

It's Not The Cheesiest

Alrighty, you people are determined to make me work for your interaction. That's ok though, I don't mind a challenge. On Tuesday, I posed to you this trivia question:

This week alone Walmart expects to sell enough of this to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. What is it?

The answer was Velveeta. Yeah, Velveeta. Yanno, that block of yellowish lardy substance they pass off as cheese. I think in actuality, it's the stuff they feed to war criminals as punishment. Water torture is sooooo five minutes ago. Now it's Velveeta torture. So yeah, anyway, enough Velveeta will be sold this week at Walmart to fill an olympic swimming pool.

And yes, I have some in my fridge right now.

Mmmmmm....yellowish lard-y cheese like stuff.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Oh For Cripes Sake

I found the fact from yesterday to be untrue. So I'm just going to try this again with a new question that I know to be true. But congrats on The Famous Author Rob Byrnes for making me snort laugh. Jolly good show. Now for the real trivia goodness...

This week alone Walmart expects to sell enough of this to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. What is it?

Leave your answers in the comments section...I promise this one will have an answer. Even if you've never left a comment it for the children.

28 | Mom of two girls (12 & 9) |
Wife | Sting Devotee | Neurotic |
Sarcastic | Pissed Off | Native Oregonian |
Salty | Sweet | Chewy Nougat Center |

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