Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Holy Trivia Tuesday

I decided to try and make this a regular thing. The last one was fun...hopefully more people will try and answer it this time around...you've got 24 hours to leave your guess...here ya go:

Sadly, only 7% of adult Americans have done this. What is it?

Leave your answers in the comments, and I'll think of something groovy as a prize for the winner.


I got a Gmail account. YAY for me and YAY for Rob for giving it to me. He's the bees knees. I'm not really sure what the deal is with Gmail yet, but I guess we'll soon find out. At least I don't hafta use Yahoo anymore. Thank the almighty dog. If you need to email me, the new addy is Gruvewthme(at)gmail.com. Feel free too, I wanna see what this puppy can do.

Listening To: The Rembrandts - Just The Way It Is, Baby

Monday, August 30, 2004

Flashdance Will Never Be The Same

Laura Branigan died last thursday. The radio just reported it was today, but Rob from About it all caught their mistake. She had a brain aneurism in her sleep. This makes me sad. No more Gloria, no more Self Control.

Laura Branigan

Why I love Mr. Zed #3872011

The night before last Mr. Zed and I were laying in bed, around 2 am and I think we were watching one of those Discovery channels...Science I think...Discovery Science...yes, we're dorks. So we're watching away, and one of those Mormon commercials comes on. I'm sure you've seen em...using very mediocre animated figures they walk you through the wonders of Jesus and then tell you why you should become a mormon, and what the mormon religion can do for you...besides relocate you to Utah, change your name to Smith, and get multiple wifey's.
Anyway, so we're watching this and laughing at it, like we do, and they get to a serious pause in the commercial...The dramatic Mormon voice-over guy says something like, Jesus healed those who were sick, and fed those who were hungry blah blah. Then some female dramatic announcer mormon lady comes on and says Is that all Jesus did?? And Mr. Zed, in perfect timing says, "No. Jesus just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico." HAHAHAH! Dude! I love that guy!
So now throughout the past couple of days, we find ways to slip in phrases like, Jesus Needs Geico...or, We should really switch to Geico and be saved.

Fuck that Gecko dude...they got Jesus now.

On a completely unrelated note...Mr. Zed decided to measure my hair last night with the ruler, and it's 22"...yes people, almost two feet of hair on this girl. I've got porn hair.

Listening To: Clarence Clemons & Jackson Browne - You're A Friend of Mine

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Snoop D-O-Double G

Alright I have a confession of sorts. I've had a crush for quite some time now. A completely irrational crush. Irrational because I have a crush on this man:

And This is me:

Yup walking Wonder Bread...that's me, only I have better hair....but I do love me some Snoop. The music, the smirk, the cheesy cornrows and he played Huggy Bear!!! C'mon people. But I may need to rethink my crush...take a look at this.

Yes, that is Britney Skankyho. That's her indian name. But look at how my Snoop is oogling the guttersnipe. He's about to dry hump her leg. That's just wrong, Snoop. I thought you had better taste than that. Shameful.

Oh and BritBrit...the Redbull and Ciggarettes diet is doing wonders for your figure...you only look bloated in most pictures now.

Do you have something to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?!?!

Seen at NinaKaye's and just about everywhere else....a little meme action for ya.

Your name spelled backwards.

Where were your parents born?
Mom: Nebraska...Dad: Minnesota

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
The song Luv U Better by LL Cool J...so sue me.

What’s your favorite restaurant?
Sylvia's. It's the bestest italian food in Portland. Mo's on the Oregon Coast...best for seafood.

Last time you swam in a pool?
Um. 1987? I have a thing against using public pools...people pee in those things...among other things I'm sure.

Have you ever been in a school play?
Nope. Lots of talent shows though.

How many kids do you want?
I have two...looking to sell though.

Type of music you dislike most?
New Age Shit. Enya, John Tesh, Yanni...it all makes me wanna pry my eardrums out with a rusty jackhammer.

Are you registered to vote?
Since my 18th birthday. Democrat, baybay. And just so yanno...Mr. Zed is a registered republican, this makes him a nazi bastard. Just kidding...I JEST...yeesh.

Do you have cable?
But of course.

Have you ever ridden on a moped?

Ever prank call anybody?
All the freakin time as a kid. When I was in junior high, my friend Mercedes and I thought it was big fun to call people and say we were with some religious organization and ask how they felt about premarital sex...We were in junior high, gimme a break, that was big...HUGE laughs.

Ever get a parking ticket?
Just two, and one of em I got out of cuz I cried in court. Heh.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
No, I like that whole breathing thing...death does not become me.

Farthest place you ever traveled.
Washington D.C.

Do you have a garden?
No. I have one poor little outdoor plant that I'm trying desperately to keep alive. I just kill shit.

What’s your favorite comic strip?
Garfield and User Friendly

Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Duh. I'm an American, damnit!

Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Baths at night time. If I'm in a real rush I'll take a shower.

Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
Wonderland and Frailty

Favorite pizza topping?
Mushrooms and artichoke...and NO SAUCE! Ick tomatoes.

Chips or popcorn?
Popcorn...lots o' butter lots o' salt.

What color lipstick do you usually wear?
I don't. Lipgloss only. I like Softlips. It's like $1.99 at the drugstore, and works better than anything I've found.

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
What the hell does that mean?

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Only in Monopoly...I won $10!

Orange Juice or apple?
Orange...apple juice sets off my gag reflex.

Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Last night. Mr. Zed and the children and myself went out for Mexican food....mmmmmm heartburn.

Favorite type chocolate bar?
Symphony with toffee.

When was the last time you voted at the polls?
Never. I do all my voting by mail.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Ummmmm. Ick tomatoes x 2. The last time I ate a homegrown tomato was when I was a kid and my dad grew them...and then I only ate one of those tiny Cherry Maters...I can't eat anything with more snot it in than myself.

Have you ever won a trophy?
Yup. Lots for speech and debate in High School. Second all state. Go Me!

Are you a good cook?
Yuppers. Mr. Zed loves my cooking...but I hate doing it. I only cook to keep the natives happy so they don't revolt.

Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Honestly...No. I've lived in Oregon all my life, and we don't pump our own gas in this state. It's illegal. The year we lived in Idaho, Mr. Zed did all the pumping. Heh.

Ever order an article from an infomercial?
No. But my mommy ordered me one of those pasta pot/strainer thingies. It's sooooo groovy.

Sprite or 7-up?
7-up..and only if I'm puking. I like Mountain Dew every once in awhile...Imma Diet Coke girl.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Yup. When I worked for Starbucks. Shaddup.

Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Sleeping meds. Temazepam works for shit, by the way.

Ever throw up in public?

Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Now that I've found true love, I'd happily take any spare millions you've got laying around.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Ever call a 1-900 number?
In junior high with the already mentioned Mercedes, we used to call those 1-800 sex lines...the prerecorded ones, that lead you to the 900 ones. So technically no. And I think Mercedes was a bad influence. I saw her at Chucky Cheeses last November...she had 6 kids. She's my age. I'm rambling...on with the meme.

Can ex’s be friends?
Not really.

Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
My grams in the hospital/nursing home.

Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
No. I got hair when I was like 2.

What message is on your answering machine?
Who knows. Mr. Zed put it on their and we always have it on mute and never check our messages anyway.

What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
The Chris Farley motivational speaker...In a Van down by the river!!! And of course Wayne and Garth.

What was the name of your first pet?
Two mutt dogs named Elvis and Presley. Shaddup again.

What is in your purse?
Wallet, 2 things of lipgloss, tons of change and receipts, jolly ranchers.

Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Watch a movie or play PS2 with Mr. Zed.

What is one thing you are grateful for today?
It's quiet!!! I'm all alone for the day!

Listening To: Chicago - Color My World

Sunday Randomness

I found a few more weirdo sites and useless factoids during one of my stints of absolute and complete boredom...Sharing is nice.

Did You Know:

And of course the Weirdo sites for your viewing pleasure:
Have fun kiddo's...don't spend all your money in one place...keep all hands and arms inside the ride at all times...and wear clean underwear for jeezus sake.

Listening To: Butthole Surfers - Dracula From Houston

Saturday, August 28, 2004

I want chicken. I want liver. Meow mix, Meow mix, please deliver.

Nope. I refuse. The kitty...The Twig as I call her, is cute, and this is the only saving grace she has right now. However, as of right this minute I refuse to feed her anymore. I'm serious this time. She comes up and meorrrrrw's all up in my face until I pick her up...so I'm holding her, and giving her the beloved ear scratches that she longs for...and the Twig....Farts. Loudly! And oh sweet hell how they smell...seriously, like these things could strip the graffiti off a freeway overpass. She's soooo small, how does THAT smell come outta something that little?!?!?!
I seriously thinks she has some deep seeded animosity twords me. That's the only explaination as to why she would rip one EVERY TIME I PICK HER UP. Every god damn time.

I'm not feeding her anymore.


Friday, August 27, 2004

Smithers Would Approve

Congratulations Buzzman! You do indeed rock my trivia world! You'll hafta excuse Twiggy for wearing your prize...I'll wash it before you wear it.

Click it to big it.


Six in the morning and here I am again...still awake. I'm sooooo tired of not being able to sleep. I realize my problem is mostly my fault. Mr. Zed works odd hours and get's home from work around 2-2:30 in the morning, and I like to wait up for him...which I've been doing for a year now, give or take. But then he get's home, and we stay up talking and watching movies or whatever and he lays down, falls asleep and I'm left awake. Not for lack of trying though...I'll lay in the bed and toss and turn for hours sometimes, and nothing. I have sleeping pills from the doc...but they don't even make me tired, they just make me feel like I'm walking through cotton. My body get's heavy and I can't move, but my eyes are OPEN. I don't like that feeling so I don't like to take those. Then I have anxiety...all the time. That's a pain in the ass, but I don't like to take my anti-anxiety meds cuz they make me naseous and jittery...ick.
I'm just tired of not being able to fall asleep....once I get to sleep I can sleep...like a friggin log. But the problem lies here...I don't get tired until 5 or 6 every morning, then if I do get to sleep, I sleep in WAYYYYY too late, because of course my body is all messed up and basically thinks night is day and vice versa. I've reverted back to infancy in my sleep patterns.
I've tried keeping myself up all night and day with the hope that by the time 9 or 10 at night rolls around, I'll be so tired I'll just pass out. No such luck...I was out and napping by 1 in the afternoon. I'm trying that again today...hopefully by the time tonight rolls around I'll be more exhausted than Heidi Fleiss during fleet week.
But what I would love from you guys is any sleeping tips you may have. What do you do to get tired, or relaxed?? I'm getting desperate here...I can't handle this sleep cycle much longer.

Listening To: Brothers Johnson - Strawberry Letter 23

Dear Ambiguously Gay Neighbor,

I like you. I really, really do. I think that you have awesome taste in fashion, you drive a cute little mini volkswagon, and your pitbull doesn't bark at me or attempt to eat my kitties through my kitchen window. For all of this I am appreciative.
However, Mr. AGN, it is currently 2:10 in the morning. And your music, although a creative outlet for your gay expressionism, is annoying as hell when only heard through the muffled booms and base laden porn licks of our shared wall. I would appreciate it if you would turn this down to a reasonable level, at a reasonable time. Now, I'm an understanding woman, so I'll give you until 2:30...that will have given you almost an hour of your insta-hurl inducing techno dance shit...I will give you until 2:30 AM, Mr. AGN, before I get out my daughters guitar, bongo's and flute, and proceed to play every single song on the Menace 2 Society soundtrack unplugged.
Trust me, if your choices are to hear "Lick Dem Muthaphuckas" played entirely on the Bongo's by a woman who has had entirely too much of your gayness in one 24 hour period, or for you to turn down your Dance Fever music...well, I think the choice should be a simple one.

With all my contempt,
Princess Me.

You Smell.

I like my beers cold and my homosexuals flaming.

I love that Homer quote...I thought I would give you people the answers to yesterdays trivia question.

According to Gaydar Radio and their Rainbow Network, who's the gayest cartoon character of all time?

  1. Waylon Smithers from the Simpsons
  2. Peppermint Patty & Marcie from The Peanuts Gang
  3. Hopey from Love and Rockets
  4. Everyone from Southpark
  5. Bugs Bunny
  6. Velma from Scooby Doo
  7. Yogi Bear and Boo Boo
  8. He-Man
  9. Beavis & Butthead
  10. Batman & Robin
So Buzz was spot on with both his answers...Do tell Mr. Buzzbeans...do you want a Samarui Helmet or a Balloon made with the aforementioned shiney paper???

Listening To: Supertramp - The Logical Song

Thursday, August 26, 2004

You Shoulda Taken The Bus

I just heard on the radio that the Dave Matthews Band are being sued by the State of Illinois, for dumping 800 pounds of human waste into the Chicago River. And that's not the worst part. The driver of the tour bus dumped it from a bridge, a bridge that happened to be directly above a tour boat filled with 100 people...who were doused in the bands waste. The State is seeking $70 grand, which is a drop in the bucket if ya think about it.
If I were in that boat I'd suddenly come down with every kind of disease known to man....Testicular Cancer...yup got it...Lethargy...yup got that...Projectile Leprosy...Got That Too! I'd sue the shit outta them for millions...My first reason to sue would be the years of pain and suffering, along with the emotional damage of having to listen to their crap on the radio...at least it wasn't the crap on the boat.

While I'm at it...who can answer this little trivia question....According to an internet radio station that I won't list cuz you big ol cheater heads will use it, who's the gayest cartoon character of all time?
Leave your answers in the comments section, and the winner just might get something folded with paper.

Listening To: Cardigans - Erase and Rewind

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

El Meow

In my quest for cheap school supplies today, it ended me at Big Lots. I had never been there before but I got one of their circular thingie doodads in the mail the other day, and it had good prices. I was determined to "make brand names at closeout prices" my bitch. While there I remembered that the cats needed more canned food...normally I would just stock up at the regular grocery store, but I figured if I came home again without any Seafood Delight, the cats would stage a coup and overtake the household. I get to the pet aisle, and notice that the only soft cat food they had was Whiska's in the soft purple pouchy goodness...only it was all in spanish. Of course I bought it anyway, my cats needed some culture. I'm not quite sure what they ate though....Cat had white meaty goop...and Twiggy had red meaty goop. Thems good eats.
Then feeling a wee bit crafty like any hormonal chick does...I stopped at the craft store. Shaddup, you laugh...I stab. I was gonna take up my crocheting hobby with the grand scheme of making Cat a sweater...He asked for it...really. But felt more lazy than anything when I was overwhelmed with the sights and sounds of darning needles and scrapbooking materials...I opted for an Oragami book. Yes. I did. And I truly suck at it...but I have succsessfully made a balloon and a hat. It would be just like me to pick a 'relaxing' hobby that drives me batshit.

Anybody want a Samurai Helmet made entirely of shiney gold paper??

You Know You're From Portland If...

You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty.
You never go camping without water-proof matches and ponchos.
You stand on a deserted street corner in the rain waiting for the light to change.
You've ever ordered a half caff/decaf, nonfat mocha grande with sugar-free cranberry whip.
The bride and groom registered at REI.
Know at least eight people who work for Intel or used to work for Tektronix.
You make $30,000 a year, yet still can't find a place to live.
Know the vast differences between Coffee People, Torrefazione, and Starbuck's.
You can list more than five reasons why Starbuck's is evil.
Every July 1st, it takes half a day to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.
You blame anything that is not right on ex-Californians.
You remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power for every winter weather event for the last five years.
You know what and when the Columbus Day storm was. Bonus for having been there.
You go to a coffee bar and see two guys get into a fight over who makes the best IPA.
Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have microbreweries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff.
You know that Boring is a place, not an adjective to describe your job.
You can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you can't see them due to clouds.
You have a bookstore, coffee bar, and brewpub within walking distance of your house.
You can give a 30-minute monologue on infill and the Urban Growth Boundry.
You think downtown is 'scary' because you were panhandled there once.
When you drive out of town, every other guy in a pickup truck looks like the governor.
When you drive out of town, even the Hondas have gun racks.
You can name more than 10 kinds of berries and where to get them.
You can name more than 10 beer styles and their hop profiles.
When the weather gets above 50 degrees, you put on your shorts, but you still wear your hiking boots and parka.
When the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your hiking boots with sandals.
You think people who use umbrellas are wimps.
You can recount more than five anecdotes why the east side is a crime-infested jungle,
You can list more than five reasons why the west side is a boring, snobby, white-bread suburb.
You know what is between the east side and the west side, and how to pronounce it.
You know that Couch the street is not pronounced like the couch that you sit on.
You are sitting at a red light surrounded by Subaru Legacy Outbacks.
"Today's forecast, showers, followed by rain. Tomorrow: rain, followed by showers" doesn't faze you.
You can't wait for a day with "showers and sunbreaks".
You can go skiing after work.
A tree or mudslide has ever damaged your house or car.
You live equidistant to a symphony hall, a winery, and a volcano.

Guilty. I'm sure only Oregonians and especially Portlanders will find this funny...but it cracked me up.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Freddy Vs. Jason

Review is up on the other site.

Go look, or I'll haunt your dreams and slash you with my big knife hand. Or I might cry...one of the two.

Yo Mamma Smells So Bad....

I'm disovering that I have a morning ritual. It's small but it's necessary. Some people NEED coffee to buzz start their day...I need Diet Coke. NEED. N-E-E-D. And if and when the time arises that I should go looking for that adored bottle of Deep Cock, as I so subtly refer to it, and it isn't in my fridge...Well, then the world is a holey unsafe environment for all those in it and around it and for those on the planet Ork, as well.
So I've taken to going out of the house in the morning to get a Big Gulp. Healthy, no. Do I care no. So I do it, and I love it! Love it. Costco size caverns of Deep Cock at my disposal. But I'm also NOT a morning person. At all. So if anything should impede my acquiring of the caffiene...I get a little cranky.
Stay with me, I have a point to all this.
So I go to my favorite little Quicky Mart and I refill my big ass big gulp cup (yes, I have refillable cups, I'm one of those people)...go up to pay and some guy with a 40 of Old E cuts right in front of me....scuuuuuuuse me for standing all up in your way, Mr. Old E. Maybe he didn't realize that this is MY quickie mart, and that the 40's and 9's is down the street.
So he tries to pay with his little debit card....it wouldn't work...Hahaha he says, wrong card. So he pulls out a stack of credit cards that I'm sure were all legitimate...and hands another one to the guy. Ohhhh hahahah wrong one again, he says. Now, I do have my Deep Cock refilled so I'm kosher and all...just standing back sipping away and minding the crazy.
Finally he get's a card that works....and pays and I step up behind him to pay for my stuff...and get the strongest, nastiest whiff of Bum-Beer air I have ever encountered in all my 26 years on this floating magnet. It knocked me back a bit, and I even let out a little grunt. That's how hard it hit me...like getting punched in the gut by Stank Beer Air. This was then the convo had with the little old asian man who runs the joint....

Me: That was bad.
Asian Man: Bad. Yes.
Me: He probably didn't need more beer.
Asian Man: No Beer...Need Bigger Wallet.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH! How I love the little old asian man. Almost made up for the stench that ate Portland.

Listening To: Chaka Kahn - Ain't Nobody

It's Been A Slow Night...

But that's a good thing for you!! Because, now you get presents in the form of Angelina Jolie wallpaper. I made it with my own two fingers...Aren't you riveted? I knew you would be. Angie likes the pink....or so I've heard...yes, all puns intended.

Click it to Big it...then steal it, if ya want it.

Happy Kwanzaa.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Darn! That's The End.

Raise your hand if...

I love my School House Rock DVD's.

It Still Hurts...

Someone should really put a "Too Much Information" clause in my blog contract. I'm taking this post down, and filing it in the TMI drawer.

If you were meant to read it, you already did. If you weren't...maybe you should check in more and get the juicy stuff.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Conversations with Inner Zed

Inner Zed - "Wake up, Bitch"

Miss Mia - "Fuck off, I was up all night."

IZ - "No really, get up. I gotta tell you something."

MM - *grumble*

IZ - "FIRE!!!"

MM - *grumble*

IZ - *insert dream images of waterfalls and dripping water*

MM - "Now I gotta pee. Why do you always do that, you ingrate?"

IZ - "One of my many charms. Go pee...I'll wait."

MM - *pees* "Ok now what do you want."

IZ - "Well, this whole sobriety thing you got us on. It's boring. I'm bored."

MM - "That isn't my problem. This isn't easy for me either. Can I go back to sleep now?"

IZ - "Want a Beer?"

MM - "I hate beer. You should know that by now. You being my inner higher self, and all."

IZ - "How about a tall glass of wine?"

MM - "Can you go away now?"

IZ - "Screwdriver?"

MM - "No."

IZ - "Martini? Margarita? Spiked Kool-Aid?"


IZ - "I want a Screwdriver"

MM - "No you don't."

(Couple of minutes pass)

IZ - "I still want a Screwdriver."

MM - "What the fuck, dude! It's the morning! No."

IZ - "But I wanna!!!!" *Clenching fists*

MM - "I'm giving you plenty of caffiene in the Diet Coke, and Nicotene is being transfused like a mother. Chill."

IZ - *stomping foot* "I don't care! I want my Screwdriver!"

You see my dilema. My inner zed has become a bratty alcoholic. When did this happen?

Another One Bites The Dust

UPDATE: Yes this post is intended to embarrass the living shit and shinola outta myself for your amusement...yes I realize that my poor ex-site was basic...and yes I also realize that I, do not, in reality have mad coding skillz. After you finish your laughing you can continue reading.

I had a site once upon a time...A HUGE FRIGGIN 80'S WEBSITE! Don't tell. But I did, it was immense...I just found the old backup files for it on my HD. Heh. I actually had one of the largest 80's websites around, getting upwards of 1000 visitors a day, which to some of you big ol bloggers, may not sound that impressive, but when you consider, that I was one person, doing and designing everything on my own, being that it was my first website...I was impressed. Notice the copywrite...2001...that was the "new and improved" version...I had actually been doing this site since 1998. Here's a screencap of the Index page with my real name carefully taken out...BWAHAHAHAHA...you stalkers will just hafta look harder.

(Click it to Big it)

This was the Battle of the Bands. By far, the largest attraction to my site. I did all the coding and counting on my own through email and whatnot. But at it's height, I was getting over 300 votes a week. This was the last battle I guess I did, since it's the last backup on my comp.

(Click it to Big it)

Here's the bottom half of the same battle...for you slow people.

(Click it to Big it)

This was soo fun to do and it kept me busy while the man was at work...maybe I should start it up again, yanno now that I've forgotten everything I once knew about HTML. Now would be the perfect time.

I got some from my Naomi Campbell site as well...I'll try and get those uploaded too...you know your impressed. *snork*

Listening To: Carly Simon - Your So Vain

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Nice Sample

I've mentioned before that Imma music snob. And proud of it. I have enough useless musical knowledge in my brain to fill a couple thousand posts. I retain it like some people do useless sports trivia. Need to know who had the number one single in February of 1989...I'm your girl. Want to know who did that one song that you heard that one time in Amsterdam, yeah that one they played while you were smoking the Mothers Milk from that Coffee Shop you stopped in during that tour....I can probably do that too.
My point? I was just listening to The Mary Jane Girls song All Night Long and it got me thinking about covers/samples in songs. I thought to myself..."Self, although there are a veritable SHITLOAD of crap samples and covers in the world, (i.e. Puffy's raped version of The Police's I'll Be Watching You), there are some good ones out there! Self you should post these things so people can stop wondering!" Then I answered myself with a resounding YESSIREE! And took my medication because I realized I was answering myself.

Anywho, here are ten of my favorite samples:

That's not my top ten, I just tried to pick songs that most everybody would know. While I'm at it you can't tell me that The Commodores - Zoom Zoom and Shalamar's - The Lover In You aren't the same song. And yes, Mozart's - Moonlight Sonata is The Beatles - Because...backwards. I don't care what anyone else says.

So do tell, what are some of your favorite sampled songs??

Friday, August 20, 2004

Things of Note on National Me Day:


  1. Taking family road trips to volcano's in Washington. Two children in a car for five hours makes Johnny a dull boy...so to speak.
  2. Road construction at 9:30 in the PM on a friday night.
  3. Stupid fucking yachters who like to make the bridge connecting Oregon and Washington go up at 9:00 on a Friday night.
  4. That Haloscan erased all my old comments on posts, and now I can't brag about all the cool people who DO actually comment on my site. Like famous people!! On Amazon!!!
  5. That fucking BLOGGER POS made me do this damn post twice...GAH!!!!


  1. CORRECTION: That Tricia and Miss Dizzy Dame were nice enough to send me birthday wishes. They made my night brighter.
  2. I also love Mr. Zed, for giving me my usual sarcastic birthday card and for giving me the support I needed when I REALLY wanted a drink tonight. I lurves him muchly.

Now I'm off for my birthday popcorn eating, and Big Gulp drinking and movie cuddling....Envy Me.

Twenty-Six, Shmenty-Six

Why, thank you very fucking much.

Thursday, August 19, 2004


Ok the comments are all set up and now anyone can leave comments or do that trackback thing that I still for the life of me have no idea what it does. I am however having a new problem...the past couple of days, only in IE, my sidebar is loading at the bottom of the page instead of the top where it goes. It's where it should be in Mozilla...any ideas on how to fix it, cuz HTML gives me seizures.

Halo Me This

Okie dokie, I changed my commenting system....FINALLY, cuz I noticed that Haloscan had an automatic thingie that did it for me and put my comments at the bottom instead of the top. YAY for Haloscan...well maybe I shouldn't be so quick with that YAY, I haven't tested out the comments yet.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Citius, Altius, Fuckall

There are some so called sports that just don't belong anywhere near the Olympics...true, alot, and I do mean ALOT of people still watch these pieces of tripe...but I do not. Take these for example:

Rhythmic Gymnastics - Okay, you have to be kidding me. Does anyone even watch this crap? Perhaps they could make this sport more entertaining if they replace some of the props with other items...for instance: Instead of hoop, they should use a beer keg. Or replace the rope with a whip cuz those chicks who can do the hypersplits freak me the fuck out, dominatrix style. Any chick who can swallow her kneecap and shit it out with artistic merit needs to get the hell off my tube...Maybe they could just set the ribbon on fire...that I would watch.

Judo - WTF is this? That karate crap? Not much I can elaborate on here, but I would like to say that any competition where breaking your opponents arm or choking him unconscious isn't a disqualification, it's a win, might be worth my watching. Luckily they are only (so far) playing the Judo on the Bravo network in the middle of the night, and the color commentator may very well be the dryest I've ever heard....He speaks with the speed of a stroke victim and says nothing that helps me understand the sport any better. Not that I actually watch this or anything.

Handball - Uhhhh...Do people actually train for this sport? I caught the tail end of something they were calling Handball, not Team Handball which is what was in the listings...and I spent some time trying to figure out if team handball was anti-soccer (you could use your hands but not your feet), or lacrosse sans sticks. But I finally decided it was basically Cheating at Basketball.

Sailing - Remind me to tune in the day this'll be on...oh yes please do that...the only thing I really have to say about this one is that we have yet another dry announcer, he reminded me of that scene in Major League 2 when Bob Uecker passes out drunk and his dull partner has to take over play-by-play: "Fly ball...caught."

Synchronized Swimming - You're joking, right? Codine on TV. This is one of those sports that I watch for a few minutes and then end up thinking "Man, somebody just had too much time on their hands." That's the only possible explanation for this sport. I think it's definitely in the running for "Dumbest Olympic Sport Ever." That said, I might like this sport better if they didn't do all those herky-jerky movements. Looks like they're trying to swim while in the middle of an epileptic fit. I wonder, if they lose points if some of the team members can't keep the Joker-esque smile pasted on their faces? Basically synchronized swimmers look like fucking creepy immersed mimes.

Table Tennis - These players needed a union, since they have to retrieve balls from under the table.

Taekwondo - I can't even spell it, so it shouldn't be a sport. But the acronym for the association is the WTF...so that's kinda cool.

Trampoline - This is just... bouncing. I had no idea bouncing was an Olympic sport. I am going to submit my application for the U.S. Fidgeting team. Sign me up.

Fencing - What the hell do you do in this sport besides stab people with a bendy thing? One of the sports I REALLY don't get, although my hometown girl won the Gold so I'll be nice...for now.

Canoe/Kayak - This isn't rowing? It seems alot like the rowing with a little more death thrown in.

Beach Volleyball - Leave it to NBC to make time to show entire droning matches of beach volleyball. Cuz, y'know, indoor volleyball just didn't satiate the world's appetite for jiggling breasts and half-bare asses. I cannot stand anything about this one...especially the music breaks and the dancing bikini girls. It makes it seem like "Check it. We're so kool. We have hot girls with ginormous breasts dancing around and we play Smashmouth circa 1997 over and over again. That's hott. This is the freshest Olympic sport evah!" They play brain numbing songs like Hey-Ya and American Woman...uhhh Helllllooooo that song is not complimentary, goddamnit! Of course it coulda been worse...they could have played "Turning Japanese".

Skeet Shooting - Any event that requires the competitors to initiate action by yelling "Pull!" is too strange for the Olympics. Unless it's after-hours in the men's gymnastics quarter of the Olympic village. But I digress...Here's how it goes...person lugs heavy rifle, waits for the buzzer, takes a shot in the allotted time, puts the rifle back down, lather, rinse, repeat. There hasta be a shooting event that is more exciting...like shooting live targets, starting with the Republicans (JOKE..HAHAHAHA JOKE, freaking republicans).

Mountain Bike Racing - Otherwise known as Lance isn't here, so we shall mention him every four seconds until the next bitch falls on her face....It's like a little mini Tour De France. Spectators who couldn't get into Rowing or Team Handball line the course. Gals in tight pants take headers down rock-faced inclines and get up crying. It's the best thing since the Glamorous Ladies of the LPGA!

Synchronized Diving - The best for last. I thought they were kidding. Diving itself has always been suspect, in the way that gymnastics, ice skating and ski jumping are suspect: that is, because no real sport can be based on something so subjective as judges' scores. But two side-by-side plungers trying to keep their spinning and twisting in exact synchrony is the limit. It should be outlawed, only because it gives NBC's ninth-rate announcing team waaaay too many opportunities to say things like, "As you can see, their hips are just barely out of alignment." *shudder*

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Listening To: The Cult - Zap City

The Asses Of Evil

It's The Economy, Stupid
"We're enjoying sluggish times, and not enjoying them very much." - George Bush Sr., in 1992"
A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness." - George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000

Microphones...Those Bastards!
"These, they're very dangerous. They trap you. Especially these furry ones...it's these furry guys that get you in real trouble. They can reach out and listen to something so - keep it respectful here." - George Bush Sr., speaking to Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 about the need to be careful when speaking near open microphones
"There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times." - George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000

English As A Second Language
"Fluency in English is something that I'm often not accused of." - George Bush Sr., in 1989
"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her." - George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000, denying a magazine article's claim that he suffers from dyslexia

Mistake My Wife, Please
"It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a former president, 'If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.' Well, we took them literally - that advice - as you know. But I didn't need that because I have Barbara Bush." - George Bush Sr., in 1989
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." - George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000

What I Meant To Say Was...
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks." - George Bush Sr., in 1988
"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." - George W. Bush, reflecting in 1994 about growing up in Midland, Texas

International Terrorism
"When I need a little advice about Saddam Hussein, I turn to country music." - George Bush Sr., in 1991
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.'' - George W. Bush, in Aug. 2000

Imagine This
"If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground." - George Bush Sr., in 1992
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." - George W. Bush, in Oct.. 2000

Pass or Fail
"And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids. I learned an awful lot about bathtub toys - about how to work the telephone. One guy knows - several of them know their own phone numbers - preparation to go to the dentist. A lot of things I'd forgotten. So it's been a good day." - George Bush Sr., in 1992
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000

Webster's...Who Needs It?!
"Those are two hyporhetorical questions." - George Bush Sr., in 1988
"I've got a record, a record that is conservative and a record that is compassionated." - George W. Bush, in March 2000

"The Democrats want to ram it down my ear in a political victory." - George Bush Sr., in 1991
"We ought to make the pie higher." - George W. Bush, in Feb. 2000

These guys are funny. They're like the new Cheech & Chong right?? Anyone know where I can catch them on tour??? Oh wait that's right...These are PRESIDENTS!!!! Lincoln just rolled over.

She Missed Major Organs....Damnit

This would be the intersection very near my home...Barnes road is what is in the picture...

At this intersection last night a woman claimed that she was almost carjacked, and refused to give the man her car, and he stabbed her in the abdomen, and she then drove herself to the hospital. Today we find out she made it up. I was freaking out all damn night because of this attention whore?!?!?!?! A little advice for next time, your liver is a little to the right. Dumbass.

Listening To: Busta Rhymes - Fire It Up

Potentially Vs. Realistically

A young boy went to his father and asked, "What's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'."
The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for one million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for one million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!"
Then the boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my gosh! I'd be nuts to pass that up!"
The boy thought about it and went back to his dad.....his father asked him if he'd found out the difference between "potentially and realistically."
The boy replied, "Yes. 'Potentially' we're sitting on two million dollars, but 'realistically' we're living with two ho's"

I'll be here all week...try the veal.

Listening To: Flaming Lips - Fight Test

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

In this town, the heat can kill you.

I just put another movie review up finally...it's for Phoenix, with Ray Liotta. Check it out if your interested.
I would also like to mention that I'm currently running a fever of 103.4. I'm a wee bit worried about it since I burned my finger the other day, and it just recently, for lack of a better term, popped. The blister I mean. I'm a little concerned about infection. It does look ok other than being white. And hurts like a bitch, but I've been keeping Neosporin on it. Anyone have any ideas??

Oh, Kiss My Ass

For those of you who may have visited my site since my last post you may have seen a HUGE obtrusive graphic down twords the bottom...something about direct linking. First let me say...KISS MY ASS. Second let me say, that's what I get for asking for help. I enlisted the help of someone whom I thought had more knowledge of such things to put the images on my sidebar, which I can't seem to figure out how to do. Instead of actually fixing the problem, person just direct linked. For that I am sorry, Mr./Mrs. Poopypants Direct Linker Nazi.
Second...where my John Kerry banner was, I now have something for preserving the Georgia Straits, or some shit. WTF is that crap. The Kerry thing is down at the bottom now. This leads me to think that someone has some kind of angst against me because I am oh so beautiful and brilliant, they are just jealous and put some kind of funky thing on my page. But tis all ok...I say preserve the Georgia Straits!!! Hurry before it's too late!!! That, and Kiss my Ass....twice.

Listening To: Brian McKnight - One Last Cry

Saturday, August 14, 2004

The Touch Of My Foot Up Your Ass

Alrighty I have some beef with Miss Spears...so bare with me. I realize she's a filthy trollup, and that she has an intellegence rivaled only by Anna Nichole, or possibly a garden slug. But, unless I'm incorrect in this assumption, I believe she still has a pretty strong young female fanbase. I know that my oldest offspring, (who is nine) still likes her music, although I won't let her watch the concerts. And I specifically didn't buy her the newest CD, In The Zone, because I objected to the music on there. Not for everybody, and obviously I'm no prude, but for a nine year old impressionable young girl...Britney just isn't ok, anymore.
To Make a long story longer, when the child went up to see my mother and visit for a couple of weeks, my crazy mother bought her a few new cd's. Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson, Raven Simone...I thought Ok, those are all ok for a kid. I went in to finish cleaning the childs room yesterday when she was gone, like I had told her I would, and found the new Britney CD tucked away under her bed. Now I don't think she was intentionaly hiding it from me, because that's just not like her, she probably just had it stuffed away somewhere and lost it, and I happened to find it again. This pissed me off. I told the parental unit NOT to buy this specific album. That's beside the point.
Aside from the fact that Britney is a Whore's Whore, her music is trashier than she is. And she's still trying to market herself to young girls. It's no freakin wonder we have so many teenagers out there banging anything with a pulse, and wearing teeny tiny outfits that would barely fit my cat.
Tonight I happened upon her Onyx Hotel Tour on Showtime, and being that I was totally alone and nobody would ever know that I was watching it, I kept it on. HOLY SHIT. I was so right in my assumption. That show was trashier than Janet's live show, which Mr. Zed and I saw on the Velvet Rope tour. During one song inparticular, she comes out in this pink bra/panties/garter get up, straight out of a Vivid Entertainment Production, throws herself around on a bed with a girly man and then flings herself into a bathtub, lubes herself up spread eagle, and sings about.....MASTURBATION! Sweet hell, that's what I really want my daughter running around singing at the age of nine. I'm all about the self love, but I would prefer her to hit puberty before she starts discovering the glory of the She-Bop.

Here's the lyrics to the MASTURBATION song....Gah

Touch Of My Hand
I'm not ashamed of the things that I dream
I found my self flirting with the verge of obscene
Into the unknown I will be bold
I'm going to places I can be out of control

I don't want to explain tonight all the things I tried to hide
I shut myself off from the world so I can draw the blinds
And I'll teach myself to fly
I love myself its not a sin
I cant control what's happenin

Cuz I jus discovered
Imagination's taken over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand the touch of my hand

The small of my back
The arch of my feet
Lately I've been noticing the beautiful me
I'm all in my skin and I'm not gonna wait
I'm into myself in a most precious way

I don't want to explain tonight all the things I tried to hide
I shut myself off from the world so I can draw the blinds
And I'll teach myself to fly

Cuz I jus discovered
Imagination's taken over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand the touch of my hand

There's a world undefined in my body and mind
I wont be left behind I'm already here

Ummmmmm Okie Dokie Miss Spears. Now would be the time to decide if you want to have a younger/innocent audience or if your ready to expose your tit to the world at a major sporting event. Cuz yanno, either one is ok with me....but so help me god if I hide this CD and the offspring finds it, I will hunt you down Miss Spears....and if I ever, EVER hear the words "The More I Come To Understand The Touch Of My Hand" come out of my nine year old's mouth, I will feed Britney to a rabid bunch of Tipper Gore lookalikes, hungry for a new cause.

Wees gun have ourselves a witch burnin, pa!

Friday, August 13, 2004

100 Years...100 Songs

I just watched the AFI 100 Years 100 Songs special, and I gotta say they did alot better with this one then they did with their 100 Years 100 Laughs special. I think that music is such an integral part of any film. It sets the mood, and almost becomes a central character if done correctly. I agreed with most of their choices, although I would have put Moon River higher up on the list, but only because Miss Audrey is my favorite actress and Breakfast At Tiffany's is one of my fave movies...but we can't win em all right.

Here were the top 20...

  1. Over The Rainbow - Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz (1939)
  2. As Time Goes By - Dooley Wilson in Casablanca (1942)
  3. Singin' In The Rain - Gene Kelly in Singin In The Rain (1952)
  4. Moon River - Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany's (1961)
  5. White Christmas - Bing Crosby in Holiday Inn (1942)
  6. Mrs. Robinson - Simon & Garfunkle in The Graduate (1967)
  7. When You Wish Upon A Star - Cliff Edwards in Pinocchio (1940)
  8. The Way We Were - Barbara Streisand in The Way We Were (1973)
  9. Stayin' Alive - The Bee Gees in Saturday Night Fever (1977)
  10. The Sound Of Music - Julie Andrews in The Sound Of Music (1965)
  11. The Man That Got Away - Judy Garland in A Star Is Born (1954)
  12. Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend - Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)
  13. People - Barbara Streisand in Funny Girl (1968)
  14. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion in Titanic (1997)
  15. Cheek To Cheek - Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers in Top Hat (1935)
  16. Evergreen - Barbara Streisand in A Star Is Born (1976)
  17. I Could Have Danced All Night - Audrey Hepburn/Marni Nixon in My Fair Lady (1964)
  18. Cabaret - Liza Minelli in Cabaret (1972)
  19. Some Day My Prince Will Come - Adriana Caselotti in Snow White (1937)
  20. Somewhere - Natalie Wood/Marni Nixon in West Side Story (1961)

If you wanna check out the rest of the list you can go here.

Listening To: The Jets - You Got It All

And They All Lived...Eh Screw It.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who lived in Tortland, Moregon. She was the smartest, most beautiful girl in all the kingdom of Tort. But one day the beautiful girl, we'll call her Tia, decided to cook herself dinner and give the servants the evening off to go partake in the Ren Film Fest. She got out all her ingredients and whipped up the lovliest of meals.
Thirty minutes passes and still no good smells were wafting up from the kitchen, so Tia goes into the kitchen to find what the problem is. She looks at all of the buttons and switches on the stove and can feel heat coming off of the cooking surface. She, also, about this time notices that one of her midevil burners isn't on the stove correctly. She reaches her beautiful hand down and takes a firm grasp of the burner, and BURNS THE LIVING DICK OUT OF HER HAND. She had in fact turned on the incorrect midevil buttfucking burner.

The moral to this story is: Do not ever under any circumstances cook. And hire more servants.

Sure glad I'm not that girl.

Listening To: Brenda Russell - Piano In The Dark

Thursday, August 12, 2004

I Like Valium

I should apologize for my obvious attempt at getting comments in my last post...but I won't, cuz I do lurrrrrrrrrrrrrve comments. And I saw that a new Mr. Crazy from Oregon City posted, so it wasn't a total loss, and spankya to Rob who follows instructions well and commented...yay for the Famous Author Rob Byrnes!
Onward and upwards...I'm alone for the entire weekend...well until Sunday, and by alone I mean no other adult contact. I went out to dinner with the fam tonight...I'm so full I feel like I ate a small African village. Nothing like a good bloated feeling to get the night rolling.
I would also like to point out that for one fleeting moment yesterday, I was a Crawly Amphibian and not a Flippery Fish...Booooo for demotion!!!
I'm also realizing how funny drunk people are, now that I'm on the sobriety bandwagon with both feet. The drunks are soooo silly. Walking into buildings and talking to themselves and falling off the Earth. Silly Silly Lushes....
I've also taken a sedative of sorts...cuz I got my sleeping meds refilled, so I can try to reprogram my body into a normal sleep patern. These happen to be Temazepam...which is basically Valium on crack. So I'm feeling no pain, and may also be the reason why this post makes no sense whatsoever....cest la vie...

Listening To: Pixies - Wave of Mutilation

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Let's Discuss...

What get's Zed comments. I'm beginning to fear that you people have some aversion to commenting. Yes, I get one or two every couple of days...and no I'm not fishing for comments, I just like the feedback. I realize Blogger's comment system blows rabid goats blue...but I'm wanting to show you people the love, and how can I show you the love when you don't let me know who you are...we've had this convo before...so I did a little lookie loo in my archives and discovered what makes you guys comment...have a looksee:

Porn Stars - You people like your porn apparantly...and who am I to dissapoint...Here's Briana Banks and her tongue ring...cuz I like Tongue Rings, and mine is bugging me at the moment. Shut up...

Reality TV Stars - I don't even wanna know what your fascination is with this whole crapola....but here ya go:

Frenchie from American Idol 2...she's a big girl and posed nude...this means she has balls, and I like that.

The Joe Millionaire guy, Evan Marriot...I never watched this show, but then you guys are the ones with the reality tv fixation...heh.

Playboy - I'm seeing a general debauchary trend going on with you people...but here ya go:

You didn't honestly think I was gonna give you another sexy sexy love machine picture!!! HAH! Silly people, you get trashy Anna Nicole. She was a Playmate...Playmate of the Year in fact...stop complaining!

Quizes - Hmmmm...Well ok if you guys like em so much...

My theme song is Dancing Queen!

Whether it's throwing your own theme party or mixing it up on the karaoke stage, we can see you strutting towards the jukebox in platform, glitter boots and a skintight jumpsuit to the tune of your personal anthem, "Dancing Queen." You aren't just part of the scene, you make it. You anticipate the good stuff in life, and with a theme song like yours, you're sure to get a lot of it. Crown jewel of the 70s, this Abba smash is expected to raise spirits in just about any environment, from dance floor to kitchen floor, and full-blown party. Yours is the comfort food of theme songs—steady and always welcome. Which is how your friends often view you. At your next soiree, it wouldn't surprise us if you danced with everyone for about 30 seconds, started a mambo line, then spun off to dance, jive, and have the time of your life as only a true Dancing Queen can.

My Kitties - Look through the archives for these ones...I'm not your personal Kitty Picture Posting Person, damnit!

My Depression - You people are truly a sick bunch...but I am happily not depressed tonight...WOO-HOO! You'll hafta find your depression elsewhere for the evening.

My Ambiguously Gay Neighbor - Have I mentioned that he drives a new VW Bug with flowers in it, and shops at Kenneth Cole??

My Aunt Flo - You people really are in need of help. My period seems to be a hot topic of discussion...shall I be destined to recieve regular comments and email only one week a month??? Will the Red Meanies be the end of our fearless Zed...find out next episode...Same Zed Time, Same Zed Channel.

Now I've given you what you want!!! Comment DAMNITALLTOHECKFIRE!!! I mean, drop me a line, won't you?

Listening To: Breathe - Hands To Heaven

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

The Potato From HELL

Ok maybe I'm being dramatic...but DUUUUDE! I was cleaning the taters for dinner earlier, and check out what I cut off the Potato From HELL!!! Tell me that isn't a skull...DUDE! It's the potato of DEATH!!!

Or maybe I just really have nothing to write about...

Listening To: The Stones - Mixed Emotions

Monday, August 09, 2004

No Alpo

I am quite possibly more tired than I have been in the entire last year. I'm not sleeping well again. Insomnia kicks my ass. Luckily it comes and goes...I won't sleep for like a week, and then I'll sleep like a log for a couple of nights. It's more of a hassle really, but last night I was up until after seven this morning...and I was up again at nine cuz I had to be somewhere. My ass is draggin. Taking a nap is outta the question, so I guess I'm just up again until tonight, when I will surely get my second wind when Mr. Zed gets home from work at nine, and then I'll be up again. Fun stuff, I'm tellin ya.
I did get my grocery shopping done this morn though. Surprisingly enough, I didn't walk out of the store with 40 cans of Alpo and a bag of Ruffles...being this tired is making me delerious, so something like that wouldn't have surprised me...may have surprised my cats when I tried to feed them dog food though. You should all make a note of this, however...when a six year old child drops a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper on your foot, and you proceed to scream "FAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKK!!!!" very loudly...this will in turn alarm the small child and they will leave you alone for at least half an hour. Just so you know.
OOOOH! While loading up my car with the non-Alpo groceries, I found a HUGE package of paper towels someone had forgotten to load up in their own car....FREE PAPER PRODUCTS ROCK!!!

This almost makes up for my exhaustion and owie foot.

Listening To: Bread - It Don't Matter To Me (Casey says it's ok)

Seperated At Birth??

Porn Star Tane McClure...and Beth L From that shitty Fox reality show The Swan...Seperated at birth??? I'm thinkin so...either that, or Beth is really cashing in on this post-op deal...

Friday, August 06, 2004

Miss Scarlet's Come Home To Tara...

OR....The one where I refuse to bitch about being on the rag, and instead give you oodles of useless information...

Did You Know...

Also known as the one where she doesn't BITCH ABOUT HOW MUCH HER HEAD HURTS CUZ OF ALL THE GOD DAMN HORMONES RAGING THROUGH HER SYSTEM and instead gives you interesting and funny websites to explore...

Now I can go back to my headache....and bleeding.

Frankly, Scarlet can kiss my Georgia Peach.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Good: Diet Coke....MMMMM

Bad: The kitten just drank outta my glass

Ugly: She spent the last twenty minutes licking her ass....

She's trying to kill me.

The Fuck Me In The Ass Bar & Grill

I didn't say that...Margaret Cho did. But all the same, I spit out my Diet Coke when I heard that come outta her mouth on the Notorious CHO tour that I just now finally watched. Cripes that woman is funnnnnnnnay! I just noticed tonight in the local paper that she is coming here to Portland next month on her State of Emergency Tour. I'm sooooo going. And Mr. Zed will take me, cuz he knows what's good for him....and that's keeping Mrs. Zed a happy camper!!! He's well trained. And it is my birthday in 15 days, yanno. So what's a better birthday present than laughter, I ask you?!?!?! Nothing is correct!!! Nothing is better than the gift of laughter....and I would hate to hafta kick his cute little butt in front of everybody.

Listening To: The System - Don't Disturb This Groove

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

It's All About This Cooze Who's A Regular Fuck Machine...

I spent today watching daytime TV....holy crap what a wash of slimey twats that stuff is. It started with the Ellen show, which I used to watch all the time, and I stopped awhile back when I decided that daytime was a big ball of wasted grey matter. After Ellen comes Regis and Kelly. Ok, I can't be the only person on the planet who finds Kelly Ripa to be the MOST annoying female in the whole galaxy. She ranks right up there with a swarm of angry wasps on the annoyance factor. The woman could gag a maggot with all her high pitched squeely giggles, and how she calls Regis 'Big Daddy' makes my colon sieze.
Noon.....this brings us to Jerry Springer....I do love me some Jerry Springer, but only because he knows his show sucks, and he doesn't try to make it anything more than a white trash reunion. It am what it am.
Then I actually got my ass outta the house, and ran a couple of errands....3:15 and Days of Our Lives. I've watched this show for going on 15 years. My mom watched it, and I just kind of picked it up throughout the years. But holy shyte, this show has gone to hell on a luge. Now I remembered why I stopped watching it. And if anyone from NBC happens to stumble upon this page.....The new Belle needs to shut up and die already....cuz seriously, Pia Zadora is a better actress.
What finally made me turn off the boob tube was Maury. Ohhhhh Maury. Doesn't Connie make enough money for you to just hang up the old talk show mic??? Every single show he does is either a Paternity test show, or a Is this a man or a woman type of show. Enough already! I forget how many slutty women there are in the world until I turn on Maury. I find it amazing that these women can have a child and then not know who the father is....and then proceed to bring on like 27 gang bangers to get tested.....wtf?!?!?! Is this like the new dumb ass initiation??? Fuck as many brainless twits as you can and then you can be on TV? Freaking tards. What made me turn off today's show, was when they brought on the 14 year old kid who was married to a woman who was 43.....I think my IQ went down a full point with Maury.
Daytime tv is wayyyyy too full of horndog women and dumbass men....even for my warped mind.

Listening To: Bread - Everything I Own (Shut It!)

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Playboy + Nudity = Obsession

I've been a Playboy groupie for at least a couple of years now. I say groupie cuz I think that's the difference between being a fan of something and being borderline obsessed. That's me....Playboy Groupie. I love the lifestyle that it represented, I love the women, I love the photography, and I do love me some Hef. C'mon, that guy is like 139 years old, and he's still boinking playmates inbetween spa treatments and lunch at Spago's. Hef's Da Man.
I do readily admit that the quality of playmates has declined significantly since Neferteri Shepherd (July 2000), they are still virtually the epitome of female beauty. Some of the most beautiful woman in the world got their start in Playboy....Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Bettie Page and Pamela Anderson...just to name a few. It's also given us some classic folley's to laugh about...Anna Nichole (Vickie) Smith, and The Shauna Sand/Lorenzo Lamas debacle.
I've always had the theory, though, that the playmates are getting smaller as time goes on....smaller meaning thinner. While this is all nice and swell for Playboy's sales, I don't really like rail thin women...so I did some homework and found the average size of the playmates through the decades. And YES, I did this all on my own, researching the measurements of EVERY playmate since Marilyn's appearance in December 1953. It took some time, but the results were worth it in my own little Playboy groupie mind...here's what I found:

The 50's - 46 Playmates counted and the average measurements were as follows:

Measurements: 36-20-35
Height: 5'5
Weight: 116 lbs

I'm really hoping that waist size was due to the serious girdle action those women were sporting....cuz dayummmmm.

The 60's - 118 Playmates Counted and the average measurements were this:

Measurements: 36-23-35
Height: 5'5
Weight: 115 lbs

The 70's - 121 Playmates Counted (1 set of twins) and the average were these:

Measurements: 36-24-35
Height: 5'6
Weight: 114 lbs

The 80's - 118 Playmates Counted (2 Playmates had measurements in Metric so I couldn't do those two) but the average is this:

Measurements: 35-23-34
Height: 5'6
Weight: 112 lbs

The 90's - 123 Playmates Counted (Dahm Triplets made for two extra) here were the average:

Measurements: 34-23-34
Height: 5'6
Weight: 113 lbs

The 2000's - 51 Playmates Counted...this was the average:

Measurements: 34-23-34
Height: 5'7
Weight: 112 lbs

So, basically, I was right...the playmates are slowly but surely on average getting smaller....although I did notice an insurgence of TALL ASS WOMEN in the last ten years. Mostly from the midwest....must be in the water down there.
I may be the only person on Earth who find these numbers interesting...but it solved a long standing question I had floating around in my already too filled brain.
I've also been considering doing a Playmate of the Week kind of feature on Zed's Dead....Kind of a look back at some of the finer Playmates of years past....I may or may not, it would be alot of work, since I am that Playboy Groupie, and couldn't just do something like that halfassed....but if you people are interested in something like that, leave me comments, and I'll hop to it...I live to serve.

Until then...enjoy my favorite Playmate of all time...Tiffany Taylor (Miss November 1998)

Monday, August 02, 2004

Happy Birthday, Dorkus!

It's Mr. Zed's birthday today...and in honor I present a list...

Things older than Mr. Zed:

Things Younger Than Mr. Zed:

Oh wait, I hafta be nice or I'm not gettin any later....ok Happy Birthday ya big dorkus....

Love Me and Marilyn.

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