Wednesday, June 30, 2004
If you was a moron, you could almost admire it.
I just put a new movie review up...go take a look if your interested.
Also today I realized that the US Mint should just start making .99 cent paper bills...that way we can just do away with pennies. Either that, or I should be able to shoot up any store that prices anything at $blah.99...agreed? Agreed.
Listening To: Yin Yang Twins - What's Happening?
Game Set Match
Chanel surfing this morning, I stumbled on Wimbledon, normally I would have immediately changed the channel. I'm not a big fan of tennis, but seeing that it was the Serena "Hulk" Williams/Jennifer "Kleptomaniac" Capriati match I left it on NBC. I like watching Serena, she's an amazing athlete, and I get put into a trance by her upper arms. Good lord that woman is built. Anyway, did anyone else notice how old Williams made Capriati look. Jen couldn't hit the ball to save her life, and at least 60% of her 98mph serves hit the net.
Ms. Capriati is rated seventh, but she just can't hold her own anymore when up against an athlete of Serena's nature. Especially considering she's got a gut on her now, that appears to be the result of all her pot smoke munchies. I could be wrong, but I doubt it....Final Score: 6-1, 6-1, Serena
Listening To: Zero 7 - Give It Away
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
The Song Remains...Confusing
Kashmir by Led Zepplin has always been one of my fave songs, and I probably listen to it once a day. I realized just a few minutes ago, that I really have no idea what they are saying in most of the song...so I whipped out my handy dandy Google, looked up the lyrics, and immediatly had flashbacks to my Junior year Psychology class, where I was made to decipher the meaning of Stairway To Heaven. So tell me, what the mary hell does this damn song mean....
Kashmir - Led Zepplin
Whoa, let the sun beat down upon my face
And stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space
To be where I have been
T' sit with elders of the gentle race
This world has seldom seen
Th' talk of days for which they sit and wait
All will be revealed
Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace
Whose sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relate
The story was quite clear
Oooh, oh baby, I been flyin'
Lord, yeah, mama, there ain't no denyin'
Oh, oooh yes, I've been flying
Mama, mama, ain't no denyin', no denyin'
Oh, all I see turns to brown
As the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand
As I scan this wasted land
Tryin' to find, tryin' to find where I been
Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace
Like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place
Yellow desert stream
My Shangri-La beneath the summer moon
Will return again
Sure as the dust that floats b'hind you
When movin' through Kashmir
Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails
Across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face
'Long the straits of fear
Well, when I want, when I'm on my way, yeah
When I see, when I see the way, you stay-yeah
Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, well I'm down, yes
(lots of ooooh's and yeah's from here on out)
What say you, Dr. Frued?
Listening To: Al Green - Sha-La-La (Make Me Happy)
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
Guess what I learned today. I learned that rabbits love love love to poop! They really do. Cuz pooping is what rabbits do best. I bet you thought it was being cute and wiggling their little noses and hopity hopping around, didn't you? Well it's not...It's pooping! I have been cleaning my house from top to bottom today, and I'm finding rabbit crap in the strangest of places....behind the couch, under the sink, in my closet, in the shower (which I just cleaned yesterday)...and the oddest place of them all, the fireplace! What the hell was the rabbit doing in the damn fireplace?? Maybe he watched that Looney Tunes where Brunhilda the Witch tries to cook Bugs over an open flame...Bunny Science, I guess.
Anyway, yeah so, bunnies poop alot....and I'm not feeding him anymore. At least not until he wiggles his cute little nose at me again.
Listening To: Silk - Freak Me
Dubbya Bush is a Moron. Michael Moore is a Genius.
Never once have I been so moved by a movie. I was laughing, I was crying. I had things brought to my attention that were jaw dropping. People around me were having the same reactions. I've never considered myself all that political in nature, only because I don't understand alot of it, I try, but it ends up just sounding like Charlie Brown's Teacher to me....wah wah wah wahwahwahwah. However, after seeing this film, I wanted to run out and volunteer for John Kerry.
I'm angry that our president has done the things he's done. I'm angry that Bush sent us into war with a country he had a personal vendetta with. I'm angry that the Bush family has been fraternizing with Mid East Royalty since before Dubbya ran his first company into the ground. I'm angry that the Mid East owns roughly 7% of the US. And most of all, I'm angry that I live in a country that is supposedly so wonderful, and yet nobody on the inside has stood up, and said, "No Mr. Bush. Not in my America".
I'm also saddened. I'm sad for all the families who have watched their sons and daughters go off to war and not return. I'm sad for all the Iraqi and Afghani civilians, that we have killed or treated poorly. I'm sad that we recruit the disadvantaged youth of this country to protect us. Most of all, I'm sad that it took this movie to open my eyes to what is going on in my own country.
In the 'wise' words of Dubbya...
"Fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me...you can't get fooled again".
And he has nukes....yikes. See this movie, have your friends see this movie. Buy the DVD in September...and Vote Kerry...or Babe Ruth...or anyone but Bush.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Okay, first things fuckin' last
I was gonna drive home again for a couple days...I was supposed to leave last night, and changed my mind at the last minute. So now I'me just veging the next couple days...me time. I went to play frisbee and basketball in the park with the cutest kid in the whole wide world, then I went to go attempt to see Farenheit 9/11....but every show was sold out until like 9 tonight, and I wanted to see the matinee...I'm gonna try again tomorrow though. I'll let you know how it is after I see it. Boy, I'm interesting today, huh.
Listening To: Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back
Friday, June 25, 2004
My mother is insane!!! No really, like certifiable, lock her up, padded cell, make sure she has something to bite on, insane! You don't believe me, right? I have proof...These are snippits from the convo just had with Mommy Dearest...
Crazy Mother: ther you go insulting me again
gruvewthme: lol I love you mommy dearest
Crazy Mother: will you ever forget the mommy dearest
Crazy Mother: i am sorry that i do not allow wire hangers jim liked wire to tell i found them now he no why he should not have them try to hide them from the master
gruvewthme: are you speaking the english
gruvewthme: what the hell did you just say
gruvewthme: me no understandee da mommy speak
Crazy Mother: i am the queen of my domain do not cross over
Crazy Mother: i am totally brain dead it is a good thing that i only have school for 4 hour 3 nights a week
Crazy Mother: you need learn english language
gruvewthme: did you read what you just typed up there...it was like...me no likey wire jim likey stuff and things and bleh me likey
Crazy Mother: this is a great way from me to get faster at my typing skills dont you think
gruvewthme: oh yeah....speedy indeedy
gruvewthme: now if we could fix your language skills
Crazy Mother: sorry lost my pointer thing had to find it you crack me up
gruvewthme: lol your pointer thingie...is that the technical term for a mouse mommy?
Crazy Mother: mouse?
Ok but maybe that isn't enough proof for you...take this one...
Crazy Mother: my front porch light went out while i was gone tonight now it is dark and i am scared
gruvewthme: do you need someone to hold you?
Crazy Mother: nop i need someone to change the light bulb
gruvewthme: that too
Still not convinced???
Crazy Mother: would you do my homework for me
gruvewthme: what are you 12
Crazy Mother: it is on the digestive system
gruvewthme: oh ok
Crazy Mother: i say i have a 18 year old mind carrying around a 49 year old body
gruvewthme: what age are your boobs then
Ok...here's my final attempt...
Crazy Mother: he has not gone pooh in a week so i have a feeling that his kidneys or bowel is not working
gruvewthme: gone pooh, mommy??
Crazy Mother: poop ok i was trying to be nice
gruvewthme: you don't wanna tell me about your animals big steaming wafting pile of crapola??
Crazy Mother: this could be serious for your brother
Crazy Mother: have a heart
gruvewthme: please don't refer to the dog as my brother
gruvewthme: that's just wrong on soooo many levels
Kiss My Opinion
I made a new blog for all my movie reviews, so I don't hafta suck up space on this one, and that way the people who actually wanna read the reviews can, and otherwise I don't gotta bore you with my movie schlock....Take a look, it's bare bones, so don't expect bells and whistles...
Thursday, June 24, 2004
It Aint No Rudy
When I went home this week, my mother of course loaded me up with goods to bring home. She's a movie whore like I am, and so she had this huge box of movies for me to bring back with me, and add to my already two-hundred plus movie collection...now I don't hafta rely solely on demand stuff....YAY!
So anyway, one of the movies was Radio. I never wanted to see this flick. I thought it was going to be a really saccharine made-for-the-lifetime-channel sort of crapfest...and I basically hafta be bleeding buckets to enjoy these sappy things. But I figured what they hell, I could use a feel good flick. I popped it in the ol DVD player, and was immediately taken aback. I liked this movie...almost from the get-go.
It stars Cuba Gooding Jr. as the retarded, lovable mascot of a mostly white Southern high school football team. It's an uplifting tale...oh gag did I just say that *insert retching noises here* about how good people feel when they behave nicely. How could such a movie be tolerable? Niceness?? BAH! KINDNESS!!! GAH! This was so not like me.
I'm however happy to report Radio is tolerable. Better than tolerable, in fact.
Much of the credit goes to Ed Harris, who plays Harold Jones, the good guy football coach who extends a helping hand to the title character. There isn't a dab of mush in his performance. Alfre Woodard's (who I love) presence as the principal is also very well done, and she manages to walk the fine line of being the mean ol principal and the caring woman who wants the best for Radio....Eventually Radio and Coach Jones form a very unexpected friendship, and the movie goes on from there.
Radio spends his days pushing a shopping cart filled with stuff he finds around the small town he just merely exsists in. He is never seen without his beloved radio, which is what cause the Coach to nickname his as such. He comes to the coaches notice when some players play a mean-spirited prank, binding his hands and feet with duct tape and locking him in a shed. To make amends, coach invites Radio to practice, then lets him help out. Before long, Radio is performing with the cheerleaders, urging the players on, even attending classes, all to the consternation of the school board.
I've never been a big Cuba fan...I liked him in Jerry McGuire, but on the whole, I think I could eat a can of Kodak and shit a better movie that what Cuba generally delivers. This was by far his best role to date.
The film is based on fact, written originally in a Sports Illustrated article, I think in 1996. The movie ends with footage of the characters' real-life counterparts. Coach Jones has retired but Radio, now in his 50's, is still a fixture at the school.
It also stared Debra Winger as the doting housewife, and S. Epatha Merkerson as Radio's mother. I totally recommend this to anyone who isn't afraid to watch some sap...just bring your kleenex.
On the whole...I liked it, it managed to make me cry a little at the end, and it didn't focus soley on the football aspect, but instead stayed true to the characters. I give it One Good Guy Up.
Listening To: Animotion - Room To Move
I'm Sex Machine....pleased to meet you.
I smell sooo freakin good right now, I could eat me. I was feeling a wee bit stressed out, so I took the hottest bath, this side of Auschwitz. Good God Damn, I feel good. And I smell like fizzy berry goodness. Really, I just need a cabana boy with a nice package to come over and cover me with whipped cream, and make a Princess Me Sundae. Any takers???
Listening To: Sly Boogie - That's My Name
To Whom It May Concern...
Dear Dicknose at the 7-11,
I hope you remember me. I was the girl in front of you in line. The one paying for her water and Cosmo. The girl whose ass you couldn't seem to resist touching. I just wanted to thank you for the grope. And for following me home in your beat up 1974 Chevy Nova, and for reminding me again why self defenses classes aren't such a bad idea afterall.
Please also keep this in mind next time you make one of your passes by my apartment. One of my personalities was in Vietnam. And it takes very little for him to present himself if he mistakes the sound of your beater engine for a chopper in Hanoi. When his agent orange starts acting up, the voices in our head tell us to clean our guns...the camaflouged face in the window is his, er mine.
Kindly Fuck Right the Hell Off...
May your underwear turn carniverous and consume your genitals.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
They Talk Alot...Don't They?
You're known for starting trouble. But you play it cool. Besides, no one can resist your sharp eyes and quick wit. *They* eat from the palm of your hand. Though you have weaknesses, which may have deadly consequences, you, are resurrected, as if the gods themselves breathed immortality into you.
Which Pulp Fiction Character Are You?
Pop My Corn
I dunno what I was just listening to on the Radio...but I swear to heysoos that I just heard a Q-Tipish dude rapping...."Hot Butter on What, Say What the Popcorn"....and he was doing it in this sexay voice. I found myself staring at the radio like it was Rob Lowe at a Geriatric Stripper Convention...Some things just don't seem right, yanno?
Listening To: R Kelly - Ignition Remix
So I'm just wondering...
Is it a bad thing when you turn around and hear your cat and bunny BOTH hissing...and literally see the bunny hair flying off in clumps??? That can't be good right???
Also, I'm wondering who is drinking all my Diet Coke, cuz it is seriously impossible for one human to consume this much liquid in one day.
OH OH OH!!! And I wanna know why the cheap-o flowers I got like two weeks ago, are still alive, but the expensive flowers Mr. Zed bought me died like three days later???
Oh and I couldn't sleep...again.
Listening To: Velvet Revolver - Slither
I just got this in email and it made me laugh...I like to spread the love...now I'm off to bed.
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"...That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"...That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."...That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed,"...That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,"I hear you're fantastic in bed,"...That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend...That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you...That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"...That's Junk Mail.
Listening To: Alive and Kicking - Tighter and Tighter
Love makes the world go round, heh heh heh...
I did stupid shit yet again on Sunday night...shocker, no? Not like monumental stupid shit, but I said some hurtful things, had my feet for dinner and went to bed feeling like an asshole. Why do I do this shit to myself? Why can't I just pretend to be normal and nice, even when I know it's a lie. Whyyyyyyyy? When I open my mouth, I have a tendency to insert feet...plural. Whatever, I can't go back and undo what I did or said, I just had to move on....so I went home.
Back to Eastern Oregon with Mr. Zed. Land of hicks, and watermelons, family and old friends and good times. I really really needed that kind of love again. I needed the genuine love that you can't buy over the internet, the kind of love that remains for all those years, even when you fuck shit up and eat your feet sometimes. The kind of love that allows you to just be stupid and know that's ok...the kind of love that reminds you that love is all you need *cue Lennon*...With a little help from my friends, and all that jazz.
I got back tonight feeling rejuvenated and happy and ready to just move forward. I think I'm finally outta this slump that I've been in for a long time. I'm finally ready to just move up instead of sideways, or backways or slantways...or however the fuck I've been moving for the past year.
Yes, this was an eye opening trip.
Listening To: Snoop Dogg - Dogg Named Snoop
Sunday, June 20, 2004
All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain't gonna get.
Ok I've been debating on whether or not to even tell you bout the first movie I watched last night, but I feel it to be my civic duty to relay to you what a depraved piece of shit the movie was...and so now, for your reading pleasure, I bring you Tart.
I originally got this movie, cuz I have yet to see a Dominique Swain flick and everybody I know just ravesgushblahlurrrrves her...so I got it to test the waters so to speak. WHY!!!! WHY people of mine, would you choose to like such a braindead scamp?? I realize what she is playing is a character, but yeesh, the girl oozes snore...really...like when she would talk it would sound like this....blahblahsnoreblahgabsnoregabSNORE...I had to force my eyes open, Clockwork Orange style, to stay alive for this movie. Seriously.
So the general plot is this...This dorky looser chick, Kat, played by Swain gets a chance at acceptance when her trouble-maker friend, played by Bijou Phillips, is suspended from their uppity NY high-school and she gets the opportunity to hang with the cool kids and to bust a move on William, played by Brad Renfro. Sounds intriguing, no? No is right.
This whole fancy high school, woe is me I'm rich, gimme some nose juice bit...yeah that was done already with Cruel Intentions...and much better too, I might add. The flick did have promise, but cuz the script was sooo damn bad, they lost me at hello. It has alllll the teen flick cliche's...the single mother, annoying little brother, snooty Brits and some of the worst caricatures of high school kids you'll find in the two for a dolla bin at the local Blockbuster. Really. My teddy bear can act better than these people...and if you don't believe me, try this one on for girth...Melanie Griffith is in it....Yes the formerly attractive, Mrs. Antonio is in this flick for all of five minutes...and her grandiose line??? "Oh look you have boobies!" I shit you not.
So anyway, Ms. Swain plays Kat Storm, the nerdy, I can't fit in and I'm pretty girl...even Jodie Foster couldn't have delivered these lines effectively. That's how bad the writing was. It sucked donkey dick raw!!! GAH! Crap, getting off topic again...so anyway, the rest of the cast isn't much better with two exceptions. The role of Delilah played by Bijou Phillips...and the goody goody girl played by Lacy Chabert...who normally gives me dry heaves. I was surprised I liked Ms. Chabert in this one....I did though. But by far the highlight was Bijou's performance...she was cute as ever, for you fans, like myself, she did play her normal poor little rich girl role, but in a movie as putrid as this, she did shine.
The other thing that pissed me off is that it totally neglected the T&A potential....the way I look at it is if your gonna make me watch a movie as bad as this with a bunch of good looking chica's (excluding Leather Face Melanie) you should at least show me the goods, damnit! Even megawatt hobag, Lacy Chabert didn't get a two second cleavage shot...and what else is she known for?!?!?!?
In short...The movie sucks...Two Lines of Coke down...
Note to Mrs. Antonio: Please do not accept any more scripts in which you are required to keep your top on....thank you, the Management.
Listening To: Positive K - I Got A Man
Perhaps You Remember a Movie Called Deliverance??
Last night was yet another late night, On Demand evening in Casa De Me. I actually was up until about five in the morning, watching bad movies...problem?? Maybe, but I have no life so sue me.
Anywho...The second movie is the one imma talk bout first, cuz it was way more exciting, and horrorish, which I lurrrrve. I got Wrong Turn. It starred Eliza Dushku, and a whole other bunch of other strangly attractive people. Normally I don't find retarded people attractive, and all the people in horror movies are retarded to some extent...but dang, this was basically porn set to scary music. Or maybe I just need to get a piece...either way. I liked the movie. The synopsis said something like...a group of stranded travelers are stalked by cannibalistic mountain men grossly disfigured through generations of in-breeding in rural West Virginia....I was in love. I love this cheese as I've mentioned before...and this one didn't let me down.
It was very 70's in style, and predictable. I found myself saying throughout..."Don't Do That!!...Don't Go In There!!!....You Stupid Skank!!!!" And other such me-isms. By the way, the new Britney Spears Everytime music box song is on, and it makes me wanna puncture all my head holes with an unlubricated porcupine, could she be any more whiney!?!?! GAH!!! Ok where was I...oh right, so the movie was predictable, but I know this about MOST horror flicks, and I accept it and I still love em. I didn't find it suspenseful much, because I could pretty much tell when or who was gonna get offed...but the kills were originial, and this is pretty much how I base my views on slasher flicks....if the kills are good and original, the movie is a keeper. Another one like this that comes to mind is Phantasm...that movie bored the crap outta me, but the kills were original, so I now own the movie.
The directing, done by Rob Schmidt, was very well done for a teen slasher, and I was amazingly impressed with the makeup on the Inbred Cannibals...I don't think I've ever used those two words together before...inbred cannibals...heh.
This movie also scored points for using the woods as a backdrop for the film. Rule of thumb for me is that the movie is set in the woods, I'll get so scared I'll curl up into a ball of chick, and wait for the sun to come up. Think Blair Witch, or the first few Friday the 13th flicks.
In short...the movie was cheesy slasher ala 70's, and did manage to keep me from sleep even though it was five in the am...the kills were cool and the people were hot...I'll give it two Inbred Cannibals up.
Listening To: Vixen - Cryin
My Two Dads
I was very lucky growing up. I was privledged enough to live in small town rural america, I lived in a big house, was popular and had lots of friends. My childhood summers consisted of lemonaide stands, Nancy Drew mysteries, going to the skating rink and swimming in the one public pool in town. Oh, and all the cow tipping, sheep painting and rat stomping you could handle...but we shant discuss those things right now...another story another time.
My family was the last of all my friends to experience divorce. I was 11 and my parents had really stuck together for several years for my benefit. I do appreciate this on some levels...they never once fought in front of me, and never was the air in the house hostile....they just ignored each other the last two years or so. The divorce itself was horrible...my mother was unfaithful and is still currently married to my step father. I was tossed tween one parent and the other, and ended up a pretty screwed up teenager because of it...but again, another story another time.
My dad did alot of things wrong when I was growing up...he was rarely there in the house with me, and dated alot of women. Can't fault him too much on that one though...my dad can't tolerate being alone for long....and he's a good lookin dude...so party on, pa! My dad's and mine relationship suffered alot for that though, and alot of distance grew tween us, and it's just been in the last few years that I feel like I've grown close to my dad on every level...he's adjusting to the fact that I'm not his little girl anymore, and I'm getting over hating him for my feelings of abandonment. I love my daddy...Happy Fathers Day, Pa!
My step father is one of the most amazing men I've ever had the privledge of knowing in my life. He has been there for me since day one...the first time I met him, I was 11 and he welcomed me with a big hug and a smile that still to this day warms my heart. He's goofy and a smartass...and I can always count on him to cheer me up when things are going down for me. He's a truck driver which makes what Imma bout to say make alot more sense...I think the most prevelant part of my personality comes from my step dad. He taught me strength, and integrity, and how to make fun and laugh at myself. Three of the most important things I think a person can possess within themselves. I love you, Jimbob...Happy Fathers Day!
Needless to say, I made two phone calls this afternoon....my dad was watching golf...my step father was driving his way cross country to see Eric Clapton in concert...heh.
Happy Father's Day to all the daddy's and all the daddy's in waiting.
Listening To: Alice Cooper - Poison
Saturday, June 19, 2004
He's My Homefry
Gruvewthme: i feel privledged to be able to speak dave
ThugWhilin187: u should lol
Gruvewthme: oh I do
ThugWhilin187: u even have a pic 2
ThugWhilin187: lol itook 2newpix of my babay 2 nite there great
Gruvewthme: lemme see
ThugWhilin187: cantitwuzntona didicamits onfilm
Gruvewthme: lol you tried to trip me up
ThugWhilin187: nah da space bar dont work right sum times
Gruvewthme: ghetto comp
Listening To: Snoop Dog - Gin and Juice
Miss Jackson If Ya Nastay
I got a present today.....I received the Janet CD that was on my wishlist....I'm listening to it now, and I lurrrrve it...
Listening To: My present!! YAY for PRESENTS!!! Track 3
Aside from this unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory.
I just now pulled my arse outta bed. How is it that you go to bed moderately sick, and wake up feeling like someone ran over you with a freight train filled with snot. Holy hell, I feel like ca-ca. My throat is all scratchy and burny, and my nose is making a rather amusing whistling noise when I breathe cuz the opening for the air has been cut significantly smaller with all the mucosy goodness up in there. My stomach is doing the Funky Chicken, my head is four flavors of wonky, and my chest is tight...heh.
It seems like I always always always get a cold at the beginning of summer. It's kind of my heat alarm clock. I don't like the heat and I really don't handle it well. I spend most summers cranky and counting the days until mid-September. It's not even that it gets overly hot here in P-Town, I'm just a spoiled brat and when it gets above about 75, I turn into super-fantastic-whiney-girl. I don't like to sweat, unless I'm excersising or sexing. Same goes with smelling. I don't do either of those things well. The sweating and smelling...not exercising and sexing mind you. I can exercise like a mofo and we won't even go into my sexing abilities, cuz I've won trophies for that shit. Oh what the hell, I'm delerious now...I'm going back to bed.
Listening To: Nivea Ft/ Jagged Edge - Don't Mess With My Man
Friday, June 18, 2004
Repetition works, David. Repetition works, David.
Just read this on his website....
"So to find resolution for myself, I walked across the street to Burgerville and had a Gardenburger and fries. Next time this happens I am going to make my case heard."
Why wait till next time, Cap'n Ron...they won't know any better until you bring it to someone's attention. I know you prob don't want to stir the crap soup there at work, but keep in mind, that unless you are adamant and open about being a vegetarian, you will be forgotten in these kind of situations. Tell them, and tell them and tell them again. And if that doesn't work...staple a loan application to your bosses forhead.
But really Cap'n Ron...Hot dogs??? You weren't missing much...mmmm lips and assholes...yum yum gimme some!
Welcome To Hell!!!
Holy Creepy Christ on a cracker. It's farking hot today! At least in my apartment. It's like 89 outside, but my apartment obviously has insulation made by NASA, cuz aint no air circulating or even getting in this joint. I have both overhead fans going, and they both make UZI noises, cuz I haven't told the front office they have this little moter problem. Nooooo, I thought, I've got plenty of time before the heat hits. HAH!
I did learn a few things today though...for instance, I can get a new free tattoo when the weather gets this hot! Yes I can!!! I just get in my car, buckle up and instant Ford Logo, right there on my hip. Sexay stuff.
I also learned that I can operate a machine weighing half a ton with just two fingers! I can! More than two fingers results in involuntary steering wheel phalange amputation....
And perhaps you didn't know this, but hot water will now come out BOTH sides of your taps, if you live here in the Portland area. The cold water is actually luke warm, and the water coming outta the Hot side is technically now referred to as FUCKIN A...cuz that's what I screamed when I scorched the crap outta my hand.
I'm stuck inside for the remainder of the day...cuz I couldn't possibly go for a walk, I swear I saw a small animal implode out there....and I can't ride a bike cuz besides not owning one, it's just that if I fall off I don't need to worry bout being run over, I need to be more concerned with being cooked to death on the ground.
Oh, and in case you were wondering....Asphalt does have a liquid state.
Welcome to Fucking Summer....Satan has taken the day off in search of cooler weather, so I'll be filling in....BLAAAAR!!!
Listening To: Vixen - Edge Of A Broken Heart
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Hugs are in order!
Thank you for making me smile again!
You all should get your own Cap'n Ron...really, cuz you can't have mine...
Listening To: Al B Sure - Night And Day
That good mood that was there in the last post....GONE! I swear to friggin god the mood swings are insane today, and Imma bout to go postal on the next person who even looks at me. It's taking the littlest things to absolutely piss me off to the point that I can feel my blood pressure rising. I'm back to rarely sleeping, which is where I was about 6 months ago at the height of my insomnia. My meds don't work for shit obviously, cuz after I take em long enough they have no effect. I'm angry, and sad alot of the time, and I really hate that I get like this. Looks like it's time to pay the little head doc another visit....ugh.
Do I look like a beautiful blonde with big tits and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice cream?
I'm in a piss mood this morning...Bah! I hate waking up cranky....that makes me cranky, and starts a vicious circle of crank. I am however about 15 minutes from leaving to get my nails and hair done. I need some shine to me today. I should probably adjust my attitude before I step in to see Miss Kristine, or I could walk out with pink hair again...don't ask.
Listening To: Mims - Did You Wrong
Buy Me Stuff!!!
I made a little wish list thingie, cuz I had a few people asking me why I didn't have one up yet, being that imma brat and lurrrrve presents...I'll put the permanent link on the sidebar tomorrow, but for now, just go buy me stuff!!!
Listening To: Warrant - Heaven Isn't Too Far Away
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
From here you can get an excellent view of my ass
Today I had another adventure with the Ex^2. We, there were six of us, went to the arcade...good times were actually had. However my favorite part of the day was the extensive ass kissing provided by good ol Ex^2. Here's an example...this took place as I was tryin to escape an uncomfortable sitch alone with him:
Asshead: Hey hold up
Princess Me: What
Asshead: This sounded alot better in my head.
Princess Me: Sure. What.
Asshead: I just wanted to say I'm sorry to you, I know I treated you like crap in the past, and you deserved better, and I'm just sorry that we couldn't be together in the long run, blah blah gush gush blah blah....
Princess Me: What was that, I was ignoring you....
Nothing could ruin this day for me. Do you realize I've waited for 10 years for this guy to apologize for hurting me like he did...I somehow thought it would make a difference in my life. And now that he's kissing my ass on an almost daily basis, I realize that I don't give a fairy fart what he feels or if he is sorry. I feel stronger now, and I know now that I have always had control in that relationship, even if I thought that I had given it all up to him.
Listening To: Aimee Mann - You Could Make A Killing
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
How about now, big boy? Do you still wish to penetrate me????
Today was a very interesting day to say the very least. A bunch of oddness gathered into a nice neat little strange eggroll. I got a call from my Ex-Squared yesterday wanting to meet up with me today...hmmmmm I was originally thinking why the hell would I want to do that??? This dude treated me like crapola for 5 years....when I was a freaking teenager, and he wants to see me again now. Then he told me that he was married and his wife would be there too...eh what the fuck, a free lunch is a free lunch. I figured it really couldn't hurt that much, and I hate burning my bridges before I've jumped on them and drove over them a few times with a Buick.
So I meet Mr. Ex^2 and his wifey at a resteraunt down the street, he's quiet and reserved and definitely not the same guy I dumped on his ass 10 years ago. I almost...ALMOST liked him. My EX!!! ALMOST!! And I did like his wife...GAH! I was all prepared to kick her in the girl nads if she opened her mouth, and here she was, LIKEABLE!
What happened to the asshole I left??? What happened to the dickhead who couldn't form a complete sentence in one sitting, cuz he always had his head in a bowl of cereal or weed??? And he's holding down two jobs....not one but two! When I was with him, he got fired from McDonalds, Burger King and Arbys....in five years. Now he can hold down two jobs??? WTF!?!?!?!
So in short, today I learned that, when I leave a guy he will become independant, and his IQ will raise a few points, and he'll become ALMOST likeable. I'm really good at dumping men, so yanno if you need any pointers on how to fix your man, lemme know...Oi Vey.
Listening To: Wham! - Careless Whisper
Monday, June 14, 2004
...And I Feel Fiiiiiineeeeeee...
This...this could quite possibly be the funniest thing I've seen all friggin month....go look....End of the World
I think I peed a little...but just a little...
Who wants some Swiss Miss???
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! I just heard on the radio that Courtney Cox and David Arquette had their baby....they named her Coco....Coco Cox!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH That there is a stripper name...BWAHAHAHAHAHA
No really, congrats you two wild and crazy kids...
Kill me, Kate.
My day is a jenga game of shit with a few good pieces....so rather than writing about what the day from hell, I'm just going to tell ya bout the B-Movie I watched last night On Demand. I love B-movies...I love the cheese factor, and the bad acting, and all the silly air headed tramps running around nekid...Love love love it.
I noticed a movie called Lifeforce playing on Starz. I read the description...it said something about Alien vampires and their often nude female leader...SCORE! Just my kind of flick. I get my self all cozied up in bed and hit the 'Watch' button...and the fun begins. *insert sarcasm here*
The first thing I notice is that it's directed by Tobe Hooper....MUH?!?!?! Yes that Tobe, of Texas Chainsaw fame...that's what I said too. Tobe Hooper and Vampire/Zombie movie. Okie dokie then. Then I notice that the score of the movie was by Henry Mancini...MUH?!?!?! Moonriver, Mancini?? THEN, I see that Dan O'Bannon wrote it. GAH! Night of the Living Dead, O'Bannon???!?!?!?! Surely you jest. From this point on, all hopes I had of this movie were shot to shit. I don't like big names associated with my B-Movies. I like no names. No. Names!
The plot sucked. I know what your saying, it was a B-Movie, what do you expect. But it sucked in that bad way, cuz they TRIED to actually make this a movie. They TRIED! I hate that. Slipping plot into my bad movies just pisses me off. Here's a quick rundown of the very indistinct script....Bunch of astronauts, a combination of british and american (wtf), go up into space to study Hailey's Comet, great timing actually since this flick came out in 85, and those of us that member the height of the comet's viewing was in 86...but I digress, the astronauts find an abandoned aircraft floating around like space junk in the tail of the comet....so LO! They decide they are going to explore it. Heh. They find a bunch of dead people and little bat looking things hanging from the wall...and eventually stumble upon three 'perfect' human looking things nekid in glass coffins. All the deadhead astronauts marvel at the er, femininity, of the female leader. But honestly, I couldn't blame em, cuz RAWR, Mathilda May is yummy.
Anyway...back on earth we meet all the characters we don't give a flying fuck about...but one of them was played by a young Patrick Stewart, RAWR again, shaddup. The leader nekid chick goes on to suck the life outta all her unsuspecting horny victems...and she turns the planet into a bunch of blood thirsty vombies. Uh huh...alrighty then. Basically it was a waste of perfectly good B-Movie watching...but the movie did end with a really cool explosion...and you all know how I love those exploding noises.
In short, the movie was an overlong, incoherent mess...so I give it two craps down.
However the yummy factor was there...and for that it receives the Golden Boner Award!
Listening To: After 7 - Ready or Not
Saturday, June 12, 2004
If I was a butt cowboy, I wouldn't even throw you to the posse.
Yeah This bout sums up my evening last night...
Date: Sat, 12 Jun 2004 13:55:44 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Erin Euwing" firstname.lastname@example.org Add to Address Book
Subject: GO THE GAY WAY! LOL
Thought you'd like the highlights of last nights shit. Yes, Ms. Jones, we are this fruity! And you thought I was taking notes for chem class. HAH!
Things said by Ms. Zed's Dead: (me)
~I often feel like I'm in Dawson's Creek, only everyone around me is fugly and I don't get to deflower Katie Holmes. Life sucks eh?
~Dude, did Joe Theisman just call that player 'A hunk of man?' I thought Madden only said shit like that!
~Hey, do you think alcohol expenses are tax deductible from a college student's 1040? I could buy a Ferrari with my return.
~So you're saying that the Dreaming is the Universe's screen saver?
~No, somewhere along the line I became a hero. I only scare people for charity now
Things said by The Gay Leader:
~I have the biggest burrito at home. It's name is Alexander Xavier the third.
~Where are my sex organs?! I can't find my sex organs!!
~I gotta go and vacum my coffe table now.
~I'm sorry, you know my brain doesn't function normally.
~...Which is better than 'your dagger is hurting my chest'
~There are four things in this world that you don't touch; a man's car, a man's wifey, a man's dog, and a man's fun-noodle.
Things said by The Big Foreign Gay Guy
~I can't eat and think at the same time
~In this context, there is no good sucking.
~I'd like to buy a hard F!
~No matter where you are, if you say 'Drunk Midget' people will smile
~My popcorn has already been metabolised into indignation
~We'll just summon the spirit of crotch-monkey to nail him in the balls.
Things said by The Gay Yoda:
~God you stroke my cock.....soooooooooooo much (said after I complimented him on something)
~There are somethings in this life that you just don't believe in, and her hymen is one of them
~That's not a working relationship, its scrotal terrorism.
~You are so white. You're whiter than Primus.
~If you can't reach in your pouch, pull out some guano, roll it in sulfur then you don't deserve a fireball!!!
~I'm tenacious enough to stake you with a loaf of bread
What is the fascination with the whole gamer thing anyway??? Why is that, Cap'n Ron?
Listening To: Snoop Dog - Take It Back To 85
Friday, June 11, 2004
You know what one of the greatest fucking scripts ever written in the history of Hollywood is?
Top Gun....ok, whoever can name this movie get's the pleasure of knowing they have my admiration and respect...hint think Mr. Tarantino...no cheating, now go!
Sid: Top Gun is fucking great. What is Top Gun? You think it's a story about a bunch of fighter pilots.
Duane: It's about a bunch of guys waving their dicks around.
Sid: It is a story about a man's struggle with his own homosexuality. It is! That is what Top Gun is about, man. You've got Maverick, all right? He's on the edge, man. He's right on the fucking line, all right? And you've got Iceman, and all his crew. They're gay, they represent the gay man, all right? And they're saying, go, go the gay way, go the gay way. He could go both ways.
Duane: What about Kelly McGillis?
Sid: Kelly McGillis, she's heterosexuality. She's saying: no, no, no, no, no, no, go the normal way, play by the rules, go the normal way. They're saying no, go the gay way, be the gay way, go for the gay way, all right? That is what's going on throughout that whole movie... He goes to her house, all right? It looks like they're going to have sex, you know, they're just kind of sitting back, he's takin' a shower and everything. They don't have sex. He gets on the motorcycle, drives away. She's like, "What the fuck, what the fuck is going on here?" Next scene, next scene you see her, she's in the elevator, she is dressed like a guy. She's got the cap on, she's got the aviator glasses, she's wearing the same jacket that the Iceman wears. She is, okay, this is how I gotta get this guy, this guy's going towards the gay way, I gotta bring him back, I gotta bring him back from the gay way, so I'll do that through subterfuge, I'm gonna dress like a man. All right? That is how she approaches it. All right, but the REAL ending of the movie is when they fight the MIGs at the end, all right? Because he has passed over into the gay way. They are this gay fighting fucking force, all right? And they're beating the Russians, the gays are beating the Russians. And it's over, and they fucking land, and Iceman's been trying to get Maverick the entire time, and finally, he's got him, all right? And what is the last fucking line that they have together? They're all hugging and kissing and happy with each other, and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says, "Man, you can ride my tail, anytime!" And what does Maverick say? "You can ride mine!" Swordfight! Swordfight! Fuckin' A, man!
For all you big ol cheater heads...the answer is here.
Listening To: Lloyd Ft. Ashanti - Southside
I'm not a cobb of corn, so you can stop butterin' me up.
I was invaded by a big ol gaggle of gays last night. All online of course, cuz my handy dandy gay friends say that I scare them and won't hang out with me in person. Pshhhhht! Whatever....buncha queers. Anyway, I was told by one of them that I am the "Faggiest Gay Girl" they know. So that would make me an unofficial member of the Gay Militia! YAY! And the one who told me this...he's the gayest gay in all the land! Like he's so flamin that he shoots sparks out his ass...REALLY! My personal flamer also told me, that if he was going to ever have sex with a girl, he would want it to be me, cuz Imma wild and crazy gal, ala Steve Martin on SNL. I think it's cuz he's a bottom...and I of course am a top....that or he wants to borrow my Kevin Kline movie collection again...
Anybody up for an "In & Out" movie fest?? I'll bring the sarcasm.
Oh and just so you know...whatching your cat try to catch a moth is amazingly funny, until the moth lands on your monitor. Stupid cat.
Listening To: Snoop Doggy Mine Ft a bunch of people I don't care bout - Ain't No Fun
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Well I'll be fucked...
I posted that last one and it was fixed!!! HOOPAH! Crises averted...but I still have candy.
Nice Nifty Neato new layout...yay for me....I am also however an HTML idiot at the moment, and can not for the friggin life of me get my archives and recent posts up at the top of the page where it was to begin with until I thought I would be super-html-weilding girl and play with the coding. GAH!
Hey Davey...you can help me!! I'll let you!!! I've still got candy!!!!
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
I'm a Kennedy, we don't eat.
What the hell is up with Maria Shriver??? That woman is friggin scary lookin. Arnold looks more feminine than Skeletor over there. But seriously, that woman is pointy!!! You could scratch your back on her!!
They play this promo for California...it's all about the wonders of hellifornia....and how everything is lurrrrrvaly in that piss state...They have rock climbing and surfing, and obviously no food.
I may take up a Feed The Kennedy fund...someone seriously needs to buy that woman a meal...she's the friggin Govna's wife, she should be able to afford some damn popcorn, or something.
*Views expressed about Hellifornia are the express views of the author and don't represent those of any other idiot who likes that shithole state*
Listening To: Whitesnake - Is This Love
Fuck you....and you.
Let me preface this by saying that
1. I have a headache.
2. I have raging PMS.
That being said....I am a sensitive person. I think I volley between being over-sensitive and just sensitive. I feel with everything I have. I love and hate with equal passion. And when somebody hurts me, I hurt with the same intensity.
I had a confrontation of sorts with two seperate people last night....both of which I am still reeling over today. Harsh things were said to me, and it got me thinking that maybe these people are right. I make a fool of myself on a regular basis...I allow people into my life and I allow them to hurt me.
I'm beginning to realize that I let my self worth rely too heavily on what other people think of me. I find ways to escape contanstly so I won't have to look at the real me in the mirror. Be it through alcohol, or sex, or my sarcasm....I don't like to face the problems that I know are living inside me on a daily basis.
I have got to stop allowing people to affect my view of myself...words are just words...and the people who are really close to me...the people that I can really call my friends, know and love me for who I am.
If you don't like ME, you can go fuck yourself with a cactus strap-on. I'm not going to alter myself for people anymore. Take me or leave me...thank you for playing, please drive through.
Listening To: After 7 - Heat Of The Moment
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
God Bless Texas
Texasguy: and im not a misanthrope
Gruvewthme: yes you are
Texasguy: no im not
Gruvewthme: yes you are...simply cuz you have nooooo idea what a misanthrope is
Texasguy: im still not one
Sometimes it's just too easy.
No S'more Jokes
Meet Marshmallow!! He's the newest member of the household...he's soft, and cuddly, and almost as cute as I am....and I get him for the whooooollllllle summer....Me happy!
Listening To: Christina Millian - Dip It Low
I told you!
Monday, June 07, 2004
I'm a race car and you got me in the red.
So tell me...when would you consider it a bad day???
Would it be at 7:45am when your awakened by telemarketers wanting to sell you life insurance for people OVER 65, when you happen to be a young, cute 25 year old??
Would it be at 9:00am when you get outta the house to FINALLY go grocery shopping to fill your house with the much needed food missing to make it a nice place to exsist...spend an hour shopping, put all your shit on the belt, get up to pay, swipe your debit card, and have it be denied?!?!?!?!?! This has ALWAYS been one of my biggest fears. I have money in there, that's not the issue. I called the bank and they said I was trying to use the debit as a credit card, but I know damn well how to use the little swipey machine, and I was doing it right, so whatever.
Would it be when you get out to your car, and start feeling a little queesy from your anti-psycho medicine, cuz you couldn't eat this morning cuz you had no damn food which was why you went to the store at 9 in the am, in the first damn place...and then throw up in the parking lot of Albertsons???
Would it be when you barely make it home cuz your feeling so sick, and step in the front door of you nice spiffy apartment, with no food, and step in a big ol pile of cat shit??
I'm just wondering.
Listening To: Ace - How Long
Sunday, June 06, 2004
If you find my answers frightening, you should cease askin' scary questions
The people who know me are very aware of certain charecteristics of my personality. I'm a smartass, I have a big mouth and I don't mince words. They know this, I know this...shit, my cat friggin knows this. So when people I have known for a year plus, come to me with a problem and ask me for advice on said problem, and I give it to them straight out...why do they get all pissy with me and say that I'm being mean and procede to attempt and make my asshole bigger than it originally was. I like my asshole the size it is at the moment, and I do not need to be ripped a new one. Fuckers.
People that can't handle reality, and face the harsh truth when it is presented to them, make me ill. I know personally, I would rather have someone lay shit on the line, and not feed me the proverbial poo-poo platter. I can handle the truth (insert Jack Nicholson impersonation here), I don't need my stuff sugar coated, because if I ask for someone's opinion, that's exactly what I want. Their OPINION. I don't want them to tell me what they think I want to hear. So I don't understand when other people can't deal with my opinion. Don't mistake my honesty for bitchyness.
Sometimes I wish I had a big ol' piece of wood, so I could start hitting people with my Clue-By-Four™.
Listening To: Tupac - Broken Wings
Saturday, June 05, 2004
We should have shotguns for this
I'm home. Thank the almighty whoever! What a trip...my portion of it got shortened to just one night, which is good cuz I don't think I coulda handled one more story from the backwater hicks. However, hicks can be funny in their own cute little gimpy way. I'll make a little listy goodness of things I saw/did in the course of 18 hours in the country.
~ A trailor home with a hot tub
~ A 6'5", 300 pound man named Bart wearing a Tutu and tiara
~ Same 300 pound man frolicking with cows in the tutu and tiara
~ A married man sitting in 'my wetspot' and then smelling his fingers
~ A very drunk female lassy, passed out on the deck
~ A 60ish year old couple dancing to Kid Rock in the rain
~ Quote of the night "They made me drink alot and then fed me chicken!"
~ Heavy petting with a married woman
~ Using my boobies as weapons
~ Being told I was the "life of the party" 29,929,827,982,729.3 times
I could go on, but I'll leave it at that. I think the most powerful revelation I had last night was that tequilla is NOT my friend. It makes me do things that a rational drunk would not normally do. It makes me say things that a good girl should never say to married people. I do not want to be invited to anymore of Mr. Tequilla's functions...thanks but no, I will not be fraternizing with you anymore.
Friday, June 04, 2004
Is anybody out there?!?!?!?!
Why can't we go here again?!?!?!?! C'mon it's beeeeeutiful downtown Seattle....C'mon guys...c'mon....guys?? guys??? Shit.
Chips, Dips, Dorks and Irocs
OK people...pray for me. I'm going outta town for three days with Mr. Zed to a gathering of Camaro owners up in Fuckit, Washington...Three days. With Irocs. NO INTERNET!!!! Oh just kill me now. If I come back with a mullet and wearing a Def Leppard shirt, you'll know they have assimilated me and I'm now part of the Camaro Borg. Oh shitwads it's happening already...Star Trek references....*dies*
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Friggin mental patient....I think he likes me...
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Get the hose!
Just when I thought my night was doomed to be one of the most boring in my young life, I hear this on the other end of the phone....
"OH SHIT! My box is on fire!!!"
She should really have that checked...
Listening To: Yvonne Elliman - If I Can't Have You
Just read this on the City of Corvallis website....
"There are now five persons of interest being pursued by the Corvallis Police Department in connection with the disappearance of Brooke Wilberger, missing since last Monday, May 24, 2004. Persons of interest are coming both from information developed by Police and from information coming from tips received from the public. No suspects have been identified and no one is currently in custody. About 25 detectives from Corvallis Police, Benton County Sheriff, Oregon State Police, the FBI, and other area law enforcement are involved in the investigation."
I know the statistics say something like if an abducted person isn't found in 72 hours their chances of being found alive decrease something like 70%. There are always exceptions to this, Elizabeth Smart comes to mind...but it also seems like the cases that end badly are much more prevalent....Chandra Levy, Lacy Peterson, and I don't think any of us in the Portland area can forget the Miranda Gadis/Ashley Pond case from a couple summers ago. I really hope Brooke is a fighter. I hope she gets back to her family and friends soon. And most importantly, I hope they catch the bastards who have taken her away from all she knows.
I noticed today that the Megabucks jackpot is worth 5.2 million dollars...I may buy a lottery ticket. Think of all the cool things I could do with that much money....
~ Use the money to buy Canada.
~ Find a cure for AIDS, or at least develop a treatment for hemorrhoids that doesn't require you to jam a bunch of cream up your rectum.
~ Live Ted Nugent's dream: buy the Muzak Corporation and then fold the company so no one will be subjected to annoying background music in elevators or doctor's offices.
~ Pay Aerosmith to never make another album again.
~ Purchase large tracks of land in China and then donate them to Tibet.
~ Buy up every television satellite in orbit and then shoot them out of the sky.
~ Take out a contract on the creator of The Sopranos.
~ Donate the money to British Parliament with the stipulation it must be used for a national cosmetic dental plan.
~ Buy Jack Nicholson a decent script. (see About Schmidt)
~ Buy the Vatican and turn it into a sexual therapy clinic.
~ Pay Ozzy Osbourne to go back on drugs and alcohol so he can make some decent music again.
~ Buy up every copy of Magnolia so no one will ever have to be subjected to that movie again.
~ Better yet, buy up every copy of every Tom Cruise movie so no one will have to be subjected to him again.
~ Pay Larry King to just die already.
~ Buy out the four major television networks and broadcast nothing but spanish-language game shows from Telemundo or Univision all day.
Imagine the possibilities....
Listening To: ABC - Be Near Me
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
So late last night after a long attempt at sleep, I finally cozied up in bed with my pj's on, my teddy bear in my lap (shaddup), my covers pulled up high, and decided to get a movie On Demand. That being said I wanted something more on the dramatic side, seeing as I was pissy from the lack of sleep and was in no mood for laughter. I see About Schmidt listed, and think to myself, "Self, this is a good choice, Nicholson, Bates, how could we go wrong?" I later choked and regurgitated my words.
This was hands down one of the most boring flicks I've seen in the last year. WTF were these people doing?!?!?! By the end of the movie I was thinking, "Why did I watch this movie again?" Then I proceeded to kick my own ass for believing the reviews and getting the movie on merit. I should have learned after 'The Life of David Gale' got horrible reviews, and that was one of the most moving flicks I've seen to date...oh yeah Fuck you, Ebert.
First we'll start with the actress who portrayed Schmidt's daughter...played by Hope Davis. I don't remember if there has been a more contrite, masogonistic waste of space whore, as the character she portrayed, Jeannie Schmidt. Bitch doesn't even begin to describe 'Jeannie'. There is one scene in particular ~SPOILER ALERT~ where Schmidt is on the road, driving to see Jeannie for her wedding....roadtripping it from Omaha to Denver. He plans to surprise her, and calls her halfway through to let her know he's on the way, and she responds with a hearty FUCK NO...well ok she said something to the effect of...."ummmm uhhhhhh ummmmmm not such a good plan, pa." GAHHHH! At this point in the movie I was wishing my T. Bear was made of lead so I could crash it through the TV screen and obliterate this whiney cunt.
Moving on to Kathy Bates. By far, she was the ONE redeeming factor in this flick for me. She was crass, and rude, and I lovied her! Her character Roberta was the mother of Schmidt's future son-in-law. I really have nothing bad to say bout her performance, and I give Ms. Bates serious props for dropping trou and showing the world her naughty bits. I love me a ballsy chica!
Schmidt. Warren Schmidt. UGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHG!!!! Let me preface this rant by saying that Jack Nicholson is one of my fave actors...he's brilliant in my opinion, but I'm pretty sure when he received this script he had forgotten to pay his brain bill. I can think of no other reason why he woulda taken such vapid crap. The character of Schmidt has no depth whatsoever. At all. None. Zilch. Zippo....you get the idea. His character reminded me of a confused six year old with absolutely no concept of how the real world works. Jacky, how you gonna play me like this!
I won't even go into how Dermot Mulroony had grey hair and made me feel older than Moses, or how through the entire movie I kept asking myself....heyyyyy is the priest that judge from Night Court?
Avoid this movie like the plague...if you choose to see it anyway, consider yourself warned.
Listening To: Todd Rundgren - Hello It's Me