Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Citius, Altius, Fuckall

There are some so called sports that just don't belong anywhere near the Olympics...true, alot, and I do mean ALOT of people still watch these pieces of tripe...but I do not. Take these for example:

Rhythmic Gymnastics - Okay, you have to be kidding me. Does anyone even watch this crap? Perhaps they could make this sport more entertaining if they replace some of the props with other items...for instance: Instead of hoop, they should use a beer keg. Or replace the rope with a whip cuz those chicks who can do the hypersplits freak me the fuck out, dominatrix style. Any chick who can swallow her kneecap and shit it out with artistic merit needs to get the hell off my tube...Maybe they could just set the ribbon on fire...that I would watch.

Judo - WTF is this? That karate crap? Not much I can elaborate on here, but I would like to say that any competition where breaking your opponents arm or choking him unconscious isn't a disqualification, it's a win, might be worth my watching. Luckily they are only (so far) playing the Judo on the Bravo network in the middle of the night, and the color commentator may very well be the dryest I've ever heard....He speaks with the speed of a stroke victim and says nothing that helps me understand the sport any better. Not that I actually watch this or anything.

Handball - Uhhhh...Do people actually train for this sport? I caught the tail end of something they were calling Handball, not Team Handball which is what was in the listings...and I spent some time trying to figure out if team handball was anti-soccer (you could use your hands but not your feet), or lacrosse sans sticks. But I finally decided it was basically Cheating at Basketball.

Sailing - Remind me to tune in the day this'll be on...oh yes please do that...the only thing I really have to say about this one is that we have yet another dry announcer, he reminded me of that scene in Major League 2 when Bob Uecker passes out drunk and his dull partner has to take over play-by-play: "Fly ball...caught."

Synchronized Swimming - You're joking, right? Codine on TV. This is one of those sports that I watch for a few minutes and then end up thinking "Man, somebody just had too much time on their hands." That's the only possible explanation for this sport. I think it's definitely in the running for "Dumbest Olympic Sport Ever." That said, I might like this sport better if they didn't do all those herky-jerky movements. Looks like they're trying to swim while in the middle of an epileptic fit. I wonder, if they lose points if some of the team members can't keep the Joker-esque smile pasted on their faces? Basically synchronized swimmers look like fucking creepy immersed mimes.

Table Tennis - These players needed a union, since they have to retrieve balls from under the table.

Taekwondo - I can't even spell it, so it shouldn't be a sport. But the acronym for the association is the that's kinda cool.

Trampoline - This is just... bouncing. I had no idea bouncing was an Olympic sport. I am going to submit my application for the U.S. Fidgeting team. Sign me up.

Fencing - What the hell do you do in this sport besides stab people with a bendy thing? One of the sports I REALLY don't get, although my hometown girl won the Gold so I'll be nice...for now.

Canoe/Kayak - This isn't rowing? It seems alot like the rowing with a little more death thrown in.

Beach Volleyball - Leave it to NBC to make time to show entire droning matches of beach volleyball. Cuz, y'know, indoor volleyball just didn't satiate the world's appetite for jiggling breasts and half-bare asses. I cannot stand anything about this one...especially the music breaks and the dancing bikini girls. It makes it seem like "Check it. We're so kool. We have hot girls with ginormous breasts dancing around and we play Smashmouth circa 1997 over and over again. That's hott. This is the freshest Olympic sport evah!" They play brain numbing songs like Hey-Ya and American Woman...uhhh Helllllooooo that song is not complimentary, goddamnit! Of course it coulda been worse...they could have played "Turning Japanese".

Skeet Shooting - Any event that requires the competitors to initiate action by yelling "Pull!" is too strange for the Olympics. Unless it's after-hours in the men's gymnastics quarter of the Olympic village. But I digress...Here's how it goes...person lugs heavy rifle, waits for the buzzer, takes a shot in the allotted time, puts the rifle back down, lather, rinse, repeat. There hasta be a shooting event that is more shooting live targets, starting with the Republicans (JOKE..HAHAHAHA JOKE, freaking republicans).

Mountain Bike Racing - Otherwise known as Lance isn't here, so we shall mention him every four seconds until the next bitch falls on her face....It's like a little mini Tour De France. Spectators who couldn't get into Rowing or Team Handball line the course. Gals in tight pants take headers down rock-faced inclines and get up crying. It's the best thing since the Glamorous Ladies of the LPGA!

Synchronized Diving - The best for last. I thought they were kidding. Diving itself has always been suspect, in the way that gymnastics, ice skating and ski jumping are suspect: that is, because no real sport can be based on something so subjective as judges' scores. But two side-by-side plungers trying to keep their spinning and twisting in exact synchrony is the limit. It should be outlawed, only because it gives NBC's ninth-rate announcing team waaaay too many opportunities to say things like, "As you can see, their hips are just barely out of alignment." *shudder*

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Listening To: The Cult - Zap City

28 | Mom of two girls (12 & 9) |
Wife | Sting Devotee | Neurotic |
Sarcastic | Pissed Off | Native Oregonian |
Salty | Sweet | Chewy Nougat Center |

Freelance webdesigner, trying to get her start again, with a new year, a clear head, and serious talent here, people.

Help get me to see The Police! If you donate (any amount a buck or more) you'll be entered in a drawing for a free design by me!

100 Things | 9 Layers

**Amazon Wishlist**
**Think Geek Wishlist**


All of these pre-made designs are for sale for $25. Price includes customization and installation. Each design will only be used once, so you're guaranteed a one of a kind design without the wait!

Email me for more information or to purchase.

Djimon Hounsou
He makes me all mushy.


Silent Witness: The Death Of Terri Schiavo
~Mark Fuhrman~

The Asses Of Evil
She Missed Major Organs....Damnit
Potentially Vs. Realistically
In this town, the heat can kill you.
Oh, Kiss My Ass
The Touch Of My Foot Up Your Ass
100 Years...100 Songs
And They All Lived...Eh Screw It.
I Like Valium
Let's Discuss...

Daily Reads

Every Other Day

Other Schtuff
Postcard X
Dearly Departed Tours
Homestar Runner

I'm a Top Mommma! website counters

ORblogs - Oregon Weblogs Community

Email me if you're interested in having me do you're next design. I come cheap. Well, sorta cheap...but definitely easy.